Monday, June 28, 2010

4 month mark #2

    This one was a tough one.  This week marks a year that we found out we were pregnant with Lilly.  The week also includes our anniversary and my birthday.  Our oldest son asked to visit Lilly last night (which worked out cause we were planning to anyway) so that is what we did today.  Our oldest daughter asked if we could put flowers in a vase like the other babies have and I told her once we have a vase we will definitely be making and bringing flowers.

   Today while we visited Lilly, I just could not help thinking that this should not be.  It just felt so un-natural to have to think that our youngest daughter is buried in the ground.  Part of me wanted to just dig her up (morbid I know) and just hold her.  Of course the urge was not really strong being that rationally that was not possible and it would not be appropriate.  I just miss her so much!!!

    I felt close to her today though.  Sometimes I feel that the memories are fading and are getting harder to hold onto and I stare at pictures of her hard hoping they'll be as clear as when she was here on earth.  Today I felt close to those memories of her.  I can not explain it.

  It was another bittersweet day, yet the anticipation of this day I feel was way more intense than the actual feeling I had today.  I will always miss my Lilly Bear, she has a piece of my heart with her always.

  I do want to end with this.  I love the disney movie Tarzan and the soundtrack.  One of the songs I love and listened to a LOT when I was pregnant with Lilly was "You'll be In My Heart"  I wanted to print the lyrics here.  They ALWAYS make me cry ALWAYS and hard too.  The words for some reason just hit so close to home.  Even more after she passes do the lines "Why can't they understand the way we feel" and "You'll be  in my heart, no matter what they say".  People will have their judgments on how I should be grieving, that I am not doing it right or according to the mold they set for me.  That's fine, Lilly will always be in my heart.  Some people may tell me that "she's too painful to remember" I say "Lilly is too PRECIOUS to forget" and if remembering her brings on the pain, then I welcome the pain of missing her.

   The song was on when we got back in the car from visiting Lilly's grave site!!!  I just love when moments like that happen, and they come so unexpectedly.  I felt she was with us all today.

Here are the lyrics:  ( I also added it to the playlist, so it should be playing as you read this post)

"You'll Be In My Heart"

Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand Hold it tight 

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry 

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry 

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more 

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always 

Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep inside us
We're not that different at all 

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more 

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know 

When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together 

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,
Now and forever more 

Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always


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