This one was a tough one. This week marks a year that we found out we were pregnant with Lilly. The week also includes our anniversary and my birthday. Our oldest son asked to visit Lilly last night (which worked out cause we were planning to anyway) so that is what we did today. Our oldest daughter asked if we could put flowers in a vase like the other babies have and I told her once we have a vase we will definitely be making and bringing flowers.
Today while we visited Lilly, I just could not help thinking that this should not be. It just felt so un-natural to have to think that our youngest daughter is buried in the ground. Part of me wanted to just dig her up (morbid I know) and just hold her. Of course the urge was not really strong being that rationally that was not possible and it would not be appropriate. I just miss her so much!!!
I felt close to her today though. Sometimes I feel that the memories are fading and are getting harder to hold onto and I stare at pictures of her hard hoping they'll be as clear as when she was here on earth. Today I felt close to those memories of her. I can not explain it.
It was another bittersweet day, yet the anticipation of this day I feel was way more intense than the actual feeling I had today. I will always miss my Lilly Bear, she has a piece of my heart with her always.
I do want to end with this. I love the disney movie Tarzan and the soundtrack. One of the songs I love and listened to a LOT when I was pregnant with Lilly was "You'll be In My Heart" I wanted to print the lyrics here. They ALWAYS make me cry ALWAYS and hard too. The words for some reason just hit so close to home. Even more after she passes do the lines "Why can't they understand the way we feel" and "You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say". People will have their judgments on how I should be grieving, that I am not doing it right or according to the mold they set for me. That's fine, Lilly will always be in my heart. Some people may tell me that "she's too painful to remember" I say "Lilly is too PRECIOUS to forget" and if remembering her brings on the pain, then I welcome the pain of missing her.
The song was on when we got back in the car from visiting Lilly's grave site!!! I just love when moments like that happen, and they come so unexpectedly. I felt she was with us all today.
Here are the lyrics: ( I also added it to the playlist, so it should be playing as you read this post)
"You'll Be In My Heart"
Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand Hold it tight
I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry
For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always
Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep inside us
We're not that different at all
And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know
When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,
Now and forever more
Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always
Always
Monday, June 28, 2010
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I cried when I read the song was on when u entered the car. What a precious sign. The 4 month mark for me was the hardest. The fog had lifted & reality was smacking me in the face. Things very slowly started to get better after that milestone. It is a hrad long road. One I cannot believe I have been on for this long. Hold onto to the words & promises from those ahead on this journey that the pain does lessen...not vanish but eases some. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, we were BOTH there today and we both got pregnant around the same time too..me July 5, so ironic, yet I truly believe we have been brought together...the words of this song are PERFECT...and yes this month seems so hard, I agree with your friend ^malory, the fog has lifted and reality is hitting us HARD, others think its too painful, while we know its so precious...this is a beautiful post and your daughter is so loved by you and your children...Lilly was with you today and I believe that sign was with the song and the peace you felt, i know Alyssa is close when I have that "peace" too....thinking of you...we share the same bitter sweet feelings all the time and I wish we didnt...all i keep thinking is next week is a year i was pregnant, i may have not had it confirmed until the 19th but for me its the minute she was conceived that she was truly born...I wish the babies were with us...((hugs))
ReplyDeleteWow, there is no way I myself could have described my feelings better than you described yours. I visited Eli this weekend and the same thought occurred to me that I wanted to just move the earth from him and hold him. Morbid, maybe, I don't know, but I think that is a "normal" feeling reguardless. I feel so much of what you have been feeling, so reading this post brought tears to my eyes. I love the wink God gave you with the song after visiting Lilly! Those moments are priceless! That song is amazing...and sad...and sweet. I have been thinking about you all day because I knew it would be difficult. Happy Birthday my sweet friend! Praying for you and thinking of you! Hugs!!!
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ReplyDeleteThat song is perfect. I haven't heard it in awhile, but it has so much meaning. How precious that it came on after visiting Lilly. I think that was a special litlle message to you! I hope that you have a happy birthday. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh wow, I forgot how sweet that song was (and movie) and can't believe how perfect it is! I'm going to have to watch that movie again. I'm a Disney movie lover! :) I think Lilly was definitely with you today. It's funny how sometimes you feel like you're starting to forget...but on days like this, you can really feel a connection with your baby. Some days they just REALLY want to let you know they are there. Today was that day for Lilly! :)
ReplyDeleteA perfect song. I know it's been tough. Been lifting you up in prayer.
ReplyDeleteFour months was so, so hard. Every day is, really, but I really remember 4 months just being so horrible for memory.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine anyone telling you that remembering your sweet girl is too painful for them, even if that's how they feel. How the heck do they think that makes you feel?
I am so, so sorry if you've been told that.
Lifting you up! xoxoxo