Friday, June 11, 2010

Exhausted and feeling a little selfish right now

    I usually do my bible study on Thursday or Friday night.  I was planning on today, but I just do not feel like it. I am so exhausted today....physically and emotionally D-R-A-I-N-E-D.  I still am so confused on what occurred earlier today.

    Before I continue, let me add this disclaimer.  Please understand that what I have written tonight is a vent nothing more.  I am not trying to lash out at anyone.  I just felt the need to purge these emotions, otherwise if I allow it to fester, it will just blow up and get way out of control.

    I will not post the actual details of the incident that occurred because there are 3 sides to every story.  My side, the other person's side and then the truth which we both will fail to see because were so busy with our own truths of what occurred.

    Mostly this is about just the past month I've had.

    This past month has been exhausting.  I feel like I've been fighting all month.  Fighting others who are trying to fit me into a mold that I refuse to fit into.  I know they care, I know they do...but do I really have to accommodate their feelings on dealing with MY grief?  I don't mind acknowledging their emotions, I really don't, it is when I feel it is not reciprocated that I have issues with.

    I do not feel I have tried to make this all about ME, its about Lilly not ME.  Its about my kids, my husband, our family as a whole.  I know I wasn't the only one who lost Lilly, trust me I've been made aware of just how hard this is on SEVERAL individuals to watch us go through this.  I am sorry it is hard on others, I truly am, but there is nothing I can do about that.

    Maybe the better wording should be "I don't like seeing you upset" (as Suzanne so eloquently put it, thank you for that).   She caught me in a tearful moment this afternoon after work and she said this to me and I was just like "thank you for saying that instead of this is hard on you" I really needed that today.  I know I should not be getting upset that people are not using the wording I prefer so I do not blame them for that.

    I've been trying to stay positive and say "OK we all lost Lilly" and its true we all did.  I'm just confused because I hear I can't imagine and yet where is the compassion?  I feel like I've been repeating myself all month to different people but the same issue.  And yes I am sensitive to things and I'm sorry that you feel like you're walking in a land mine when dealing with me.  I really don't know what to say to that...I really don't.  Except that from one moment to the next I myself have NO CLUE what to expect as far as my emotions.  Can you blame me?

    I'm not going to apologize that my grieving has made me a little sensitive at times, but I don't feel I've lashed out or been  irrational.  I don't feel I have randomly went off on anyone just to take it out on them.  I may disagree or have a differing opinion, but that does not equate to lashing out.  I'm not asking for a pass, I don't think my grieving should allow me any rights to treat others badly, that doesn't make me feel good.   I also do not feel that lashing out just to do so is productive.

    Just like they say they're not trying to hurt me, well I'm not trying to hurt anyone.  Trust me with the pain I feel, it is so hard for me to even hurt anyone.  I cry ALL the time lately.  There are spurts where I feel like this and then there are other spurts of moments where I feel so great and happy and excited.

    I've cried everyday too, for the last two weeks but for different tears are for the death of my daughter, my tears are for my grieving children, my grieving husband.  Its been three months, going on four....and I feel like while yes I have been told I am a strong person its not always a good thing.  I feel like maybe if people thought I was weak they would be more compassionate.

    I've felt a lot of pain in my life, physical, emotional, all kinds.  This pain I feel in losing Lilly does not compare and I feel its so bad when people think they can even place their hurt on the same level.  Its really a little insulting.  Maybe in the future it won't be as sensitive and tender as it is now to talk about certain things, but for now its only been THREE months...why can't people get that?

    I just do not have time for any of that.  I have to be healthy for me so that I can be healthy for my family.  I don't like feeling this way at all, exhausted like I am.  I need all the energy I have to focus on SURVIVING  AFTER THE DEATH OF MY BABY!



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