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Saturday, May 8, 2010

Healthy Grieving

I think its quite interesting when people act like my grieving is abnormal or unhealthy. I'm not going to perfect living with my grief overnight. I may never perfect it. I think handling the grieving process in whatever way anyone choses to handle it is healthy for them. Its what we must do to survive our loss. And that may be different from one person to the next.

I have two choices I can let Lilly's death destroy me or I can let Lilly's life motivate me. I've chosen to let her life motivate me. That does not mean that I do not get overwhelmed with saddness from time to time in missing her. It also does not mean I don't have moments that are so full of laughter and enjoyment.

I can't predict my moods and I'm not going to force them. If I'm sad, I'll be sad. If I am happy, I'll be happy. I'm living in the moments. I believe ANY way of how grief is handled is healthy or crucial. However anyone wants to purge their sad overwhelming emotions is up to them. I really think anyone who is going through this should not be judged.

Lilly's life meant so much to me and I feel as long as I am functioning and doing things that need to be done and enjoying life that is ok. Just because I am grieving does not mean that I am not living or that I am not grateful for all the wonderful things in my life. I am grateful for having had Lilly. Do I wish I could hold her, feed her, hear her voice, of course. But I can't and that makes me sad, but it doesn't mean I'm hopeless. I am also grateful for my wonderful husband and my three living children. They amaze me everyday and make me laugh with the silly things they say. I love playing with them and spending time with them. I am grateful for all the wonderful friends and coworkers in my life who have all become family. I am grateful for all the wonderful new friends I've encountered through my journey. I am grateful for God's love and kindness and mercy. I am grateful for all the blessings God has bestowed upon my life.

Grief is powerful, learning to deal with it may take a lifetime. Its a different pain and should not be held as another life obstacle to "get over". This is not trivial. Were talking about my daughter's life. Its the life of a child, a life of someone dear. I've lost friends and family members to death before this...it is a different pain than losing a child. We really mean it when we say we don't wish this on our enemies...its that painful and that powerful. Its not the same as someone having a "bad day". And yes their feelings on what they are dealing with is important as is what I am going through is important to me.

People don't know what they've not had to endure. I don't use Lilly's death as an excuse. So being told to not use it as an excuse is in a way diminishing the importance of her life. Even going through a stressful day like I had yesterday no way compares or takes the place of losing my daughter. The stressful day was replaced by knowing that its not as bad as that and also my day was put into prospective.

Again, I am not asking for you to feel what I feel or even understand it on my level or any for that matter. My grief is my own and I don't want anyone to share in it as I don't wish this pain to be inflicted on anyone. Only those that know this pain unfortunately will be the only ones able to understand what I am going through. I am just asking for acceptance. If I'm not "over it" yet, what does that matter to you. Its not doing anything to you. and its not hurting my life. I still enjoy things and laugh. but I also cry and miss my daughter.

But I don't feel that I am depressed and even if I was that is to be expected.

As far as motivation, I've gotten better at keeping our home more organized (some days are better than others with 3 rambunctious children, 2 of which are toddlers). I've also recently got into cooking more often. I've also with the lovely support of my wonderful boss started working only 6 hour days. Which means more time to spend with my living children and hubby whenever he is off :) Life is short and I want to make every moment count as much as I can. Time with each person that I love is precious. I think we tend to forget that with how busy we tend to get with the hussle and bussle that life brings. It so easy to not sweat the small stuff anymore. In the words of Hannah Montana "Life's what you make it, so let's make it rock" I apologize for my silliness but I'm a kid at heart myself :) I miss my daughter but I know she's in heaven watching us and is always with us. And just because I enjoy life does not mean that I miss her any less. I will always love and miss Lilly Elizabeth no matter what happens. I am choosing to let her LIFE motivate me.



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