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Saturday, May 22, 2010

Three Month Mark #1

I miss Lilly! Sometimes it feels that the further away I get from her birthday and day she went to be with Jesus, that it gets harder. Yesterday at work, I had one of what I refer to as " my moments" I had so much support from the ladies at work, and to name a few, thank you Cindy, Dianne, Lee Ann and Deb! I didn't ask if I could use your names, so I hope that it is alright as I did not include your last names.

I was entering the date into the computer and I realized what Saturday's date was the 22nd, 3 months since Lilly was born. It just hit me, I'm getting used to that happening as it is happening more often since she passed away. I tried to sit at my desk and focus on the task at hand. I knew I had to get up and go have a cry. And I did, and felt better after I let it all out. It was a good cry. I ended up also hunting down a bible and opened it randomly and came across Psalm 8. It was very comforting to read. I was reminded of how powerful God is and I had chosen to lean on Him during my difficult moment at work and I felt comforted.

What also was very comforting is that everyone who saw me in tears just let me cry. No one tried to talk me out of it. Not one person made me feel ashamed. I cry now as I type this as that means so much to me.

I cry cause I miss Lilly so much! The holidays and special occasions and milestones in my life, as well as the ones Lilly might have had will always be difficult.

I want to recall a memory I have of Lilly. I would love to share the first moment I saw Lilly open her eyes. It was after my husband and I had given Lilly her first and only bath. My husband was doing most of the work as I was still recovering from my recent c-section. I watched over her as he went to grab Lilly's blankets, she was wearing her pink outfit and she opened her eyes all the way and looked right up at me and just stared at me. The moment felt like it lasted for so long, I couldn't look away. It was almost like we were frozen in time, just the two of us. She was so beautiful. I felt her looking at me and studying me, almost like she was trying to memorize my face. It felt like she wanted to see me and was really looking at me. Keep in mind they say anecephalic babies can not see. I believe Lilly saw us. She opened her eyes a couple of times throughout her life, but that moment is so special to me because I felt very connected to Lilly. I talked to her and told her I was her mommy even though I felt she knew my voice, she knew me. I will never forget that moment. Its bittersweet as I cry trying to recall this moment so that I can share it with each of you. I miss her so much! I love her so much!

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