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Saturday, May 22, 2010

Three Month Mark #1

I miss Lilly! Sometimes it feels that the further away I get from her birthday and day she went to be with Jesus, that it gets harder. Yesterday at work, I had one of what I refer to as " my moments" I had so much support from the ladies at work, and to name a few, thank you Cindy, Dianne, Lee Ann and Deb! I didn't ask if I could use your names, so I hope that it is alright as I did not include your last names.

I was entering the date into the computer and I realized what Saturday's date was the 22nd, 3 months since Lilly was born. It just hit me, I'm getting used to that happening as it is happening more often since she passed away. I tried to sit at my desk and focus on the task at hand. I knew I had to get up and go have a cry. And I did, and felt better after I let it all out. It was a good cry. I ended up also hunting down a bible and opened it randomly and came across Psalm 8. It was very comforting to read. I was reminded of how powerful God is and I had chosen to lean on Him during my difficult moment at work and I felt comforted.

What also was very comforting is that everyone who saw me in tears just let me cry. No one tried to talk me out of it. Not one person made me feel ashamed. I cry now as I type this as that means so much to me.

I cry cause I miss Lilly so much! The holidays and special occasions and milestones in my life, as well as the ones Lilly might have had will always be difficult.

I want to recall a memory I have of Lilly. I would love to share the first moment I saw Lilly open her eyes. It was after my husband and I had given Lilly her first and only bath. My husband was doing most of the work as I was still recovering from my recent c-section. I watched over her as he went to grab Lilly's blankets, she was wearing her pink outfit and she opened her eyes all the way and looked right up at me and just stared at me. The moment felt like it lasted for so long, I couldn't look away. It was almost like we were frozen in time, just the two of us. She was so beautiful. I felt her looking at me and studying me, almost like she was trying to memorize my face. It felt like she wanted to see me and was really looking at me. Keep in mind they say anecephalic babies can not see. I believe Lilly saw us. She opened her eyes a couple of times throughout her life, but that moment is so special to me because I felt very connected to Lilly. I talked to her and told her I was her mommy even though I felt she knew my voice, she knew me. I will never forget that moment. Its bittersweet as I cry trying to recall this moment so that I can share it with each of you. I miss her so much! I love her so much!

6 comments:

  1. Happy 3 months in Heaven to your sweet, Lilly. I thik it's so wonderful that you have that special moment of her opening her eyes, just for a moment and looking at her Mommy. Treasure that moment and remember how it felt. It was clearly a moment of love and connection between the two of you. I wish Alexandra could have opened her eyes. Thinking of you so much and missing Lilly with you. (((HUGS)))

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  2. I cried while reading your post.I am so glad you got to see Lilly's eyes. How precious! I too wished Eli would have opened his eyes, but I know that God gives each of us mothers different gifts with our angels. Smiling now because I know Lilly is perfect and smiling at her Mama! xoxoxo

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  3. Happy 3 month birthday Lilly.

    What a special memory of her! I bet it was amazing to see her open her eyes and look at you. Yeah, they say they can't see but I'm not inclined to believe that at all!

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  4. I am praying for you. I am glad you got to see Lilly's eyes. I don't believe that doctors really know what babies with anencephaly are capable of. I am happy that you got to spend time with Lilly at home (I assumed her bath was at home)! That was a blessing and a miracle!

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  5. I am so glad you have understanding coworkers, sometimes a good cry is just what is needed. Praying for your moments and milestones to become less painful!

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  6. Happy 3 months in Heaven Lilly and I hope you and Alyssa are having a big party together on your special anniversary weekend.

    My heart is with you for so many reasons today...I can not tell you how happy I am you got to see her eyes..that is something I struggle with each day and it is a true blessing only a BLM would remember...SHE knew her momma and she wanted to look at you and let you know how much she loves you...thinking of you (((big hugs)))

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Thank you for taking the time to comment and for taking the time to read about my journey and most importantly about my daughter Lilly Elizabeth and her life. I love reading what you have to say.

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