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Monday, May 17, 2010

I'm Angry

I do not want to associate bitterness, anger, or animosity with memories of Lilly. Usually I'm pretty good about this. Unfortunately today did bring memories of incidences I wish had not occurred. And this is the third time since Lilly's passing that I have felt this anger. Granted I realize that it was a very emotional time for all of us. Let me repeat FOR ALL OF US, myself included. I really wish something had happened but it didn't work out for reasons that I to this day do not understand. Maybe for me to have something to be angry at, as I really do not know what to be angry about. I am trying not to be upset because the big picture is despite anything that went wrong, it should be easily forgiven, because we got so much more time with Lilly than was expected. And this feeling is rare, but it happens and today I feel the need to vent. It is just when I am angry that I can not see past the anger. I just want to be angry.

Eventually rationale sets in and I am calm. Just not at this moment. It just really upset me. I feel it would be wrong to betray any confidences just because I am angry, therefore I won't go into any details. I realize that it may seem rather petty being that I got to take Lilly home so how dare I get upset over such trivial things. I guess I am upset because I felt somewhat robbed of this particular desire. As much as I feel that this wasn't fair. It was more unfair that my baby girl was not going to live long.

She was alive that's what mattered most in those moments, all six of us were here together for a little while. In the end everything came together and it worked out. And being angry doesn't solve anything or change anything. Do I wish certain occurrences had not happen, of course. But nothing will change it and the BIG picture is Lilly was here, regardless of how long. She was here and a part of us all.

I do not forget this. I have made it a point to go with how I feel so I will say for the time being I am angry. Who knows how I will feel seconds, minutes, hours, days from now. But right now I am angry. I feel I have a right to be. I realize plain and simple, I am just angry.

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