Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.
I do not like to feel angry, and I really haven't felt angry from diagnosis day until just recently. My anger is not directed at anyone, because I feel there is no one to direct this anger at. That makes it even more frustrating at times. Its not an emotion I feel commonly along with my grief. I feel that anger can consume us and take the best out of us if we let it. And though I have allowed myself to feel this anger, I try not to let it affect my daily life or the people that are in my life. I feel if I do not allow myself to feel all emotions, anger included, and talk about it then it will destroy me. Bottling it up inside, will not get rid of it, I feel it will just fester and feed into itself and just get stronger, therefore my venting about it is my release.
I have not been angry with God. I don't feel that He caused Lilly to have anencephaly. I do not feel He was punishing me, because that would mean He was punishing Lilly, and I do not feel that was the case. I have felt Him alongside me this whole time as well as all my life. He is and always will remain the same God I've known all my life. I have thought about and felt guilty about things I could have done differently. In the end I know that no matter what, this was meant to happen. Lilly's time on earth was meant to be as it was. I feel also that when we as God's creations hurt, that He weeps with us. His heart breaks with us, each and everyone. I do not forget that God too lost a child. He sacrificed his own child for the sake of man.
In the end the anger is the one emotion that fades away easily.