Friday, May 21, 2010

Threads of Hope-Pieces of Joy 4

To read previous posts on Walking With You, please click here: Walking With You.

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

This lesson is entitled "Why Me" and talks about anger. I thought this lesson was perfect in timing and very appropriate to the anger I've been feeling lately. That being said, I am going to jump right in.

I do not like to feel angry, and I really haven't felt angry from diagnosis day until just recently. My anger is not directed at anyone, because I feel there is no one to direct this anger at. That makes it even more frustrating at times. Its not an emotion I feel commonly along with my grief. I feel that anger can consume us and take the best out of us if we let it. And though I have allowed myself to feel this anger, I try not to let it affect my daily life or the people that are in my life. I feel if I do not allow myself to feel all emotions, anger included, and talk about it then it will destroy me. Bottling it up inside, will not get rid of it, I feel it will just fester and feed into itself and just get stronger, therefore my venting about it is my release.

Ephesians 4:26-27- I love this verse. I feel it confirms how I feel about anger. I feel what makes it wrong is how we handle that anger; our actions in regards to our emotions. I feel causing harm to others because I am angry would not be right. Feeling the anger itself is not wrong. I feel I've already expressed what I'm angry about in regards to what were missing out on by Lilly's passing. It is unfair, but I do not want the anger to consume me, and I would feel worse if I took my anger out on anyone as no one is to blame for my anger.

I have not been angry with God. I don't feel that He caused Lilly to have anencephaly. I do not feel He was punishing me, because that would mean He was punishing Lilly, and I do not feel that was the case. I have felt Him alongside me this whole time as well as all my life. He is and always will remain the same God I've known all my life. I have thought about and felt guilty about things I could have done differently. In the end I know that no matter what, this was meant to happen. Lilly's time on earth was meant to be as it was. I feel also that when we as God's creations hurt, that He weeps with us. His heart breaks with us, each and everyone. I do not forget that God too lost a child. He sacrificed his own child for the sake of man.

From time to time I am angered by those who try to talk me out of my emotions at the time that I am feeling them. I understand their intentions are pure and they are struggling with the fact that they can not stand to see me in pain. Most times I just want to feel what I feel, whatever emotion it is.

I am fortunate in that my husband has been very supportive of how I am dealing with my grief. While he and I are grieving in different ways, he understands and is so willing to listen to me talk about my grief and our daughter Lilly.

In the end the anger is the one emotion that fades away easily.


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