There is light at the end of the tunnel

My grief has felt very heavy these past two days, and today I felt my hope was hanging on by a very thin piece of thread.

It's been such an emotional roller coaster and I was unsure how much more I would be able to bear. I found myself praying a simple, desperate prayer "Lord, help." "Please help."

I do not like feeling this heavy, it can be terribly exhausting.  I started to think that I had so much hope when Lilly was here even while I accepted the reality of her having anencephaly, that how could I be so close to losing hope now? 

And it was not hope towards anything in particular it was more so just in regards to missing her and not being able to grasp the joy that she brought and still brings. I felt lost in a fog of disappointment and I am not used to nor do I enjoy feeling this way so I  struggle to bear it, and it usually doesn't last this long nor hit this hard. It was a bit overwhelming.

I have felt a lack of motivation in getting the ornaments on our tree. We have a tradition on my husband's side where his parents give each family member an ornament each year for Christmas and those ornaments go on our tree every year. They did get us an ornament last year that was one you personalize and it has six spots, so I wrote down all our names. It's a nice keepsake to have.

While I was admiring our collection it saddened me to think Lilly will not be collecting anymore ornaments like the rest of us. So I was thinking last night of making or buying Lilly an ornament each year and am mixing it with Alanna's suggestion and having the kids help us decorate or pick one out every Christmas. I look forward to adding this new tradition that will in a way keep Lilly a part of this special Christmas tradition. I feel it will be a great way to honor her and keep her with us in what limited ways we can.

I have struggled with the unfairness of it all and had some selfish thoughts. I don't think I have really explored that emotion in a long while.  Eventually a peace fell over me and my spirit calmed and I was once again reminded that  only God can see the bigger picture when I can not or am unwilling to. I may not ever know or understand which I am sure will bring on heavy frustration at times, but that is where faith and trust play a BIG part. I am asked to follow blindly, so I will.  And  when I find it difficult to, its ok that I feel this way as long as I keep coming back to this realization.

I also struggled with the fear that people have forgotten Lilly and that did not help matters.

So yesterday I confided this to a  coworker who said Lilly will always be remembered and told me how she still carries a prayer card from Lilly's funeral service in her car. She went on to say that she will never be forgotten and reminded me that Lilly accomplished so much in such a little time, more than probably most people have or will do in their lifetime.

There are those close to me who I feel blatantly forget Lilly and it hurts, but I also was given a better perspective by this same coworker. I need to focus on the ones that choose to remember her with me.  It is sad that there are those that refuse to, but it is their loss to not treat her like she was a human being and sweep her under the rug as if she never existed. I feel Lilly deserves better than that.

Yes it hurts at times to remember her when I can not reach out and touch her, but I feel trying to forget her would hurt more. I am going to hurt either way and I choose to hurt while remembering Lilly.

Later that evening, Lilly's older sister and I were spending some time together and we were putting stickers on the pictures we had colored. She said "mommy choose a sticker, please." And as I looked over the stickers I saw one was a small yellow butterfly! I felt that Lilly was peeking at us and letting us know she was doing so. I haven't seen a lot of signs like that in a good while.

And today I picked up a package that contained our oldest daughter's present and the doll had a tag stating her name lady stillwaiting and she was sewn on Feb 26th (Lilly was born in Feb and she is our 4th child, the 26th was her fourth day alive and the number 4 carries great significance on my side of the family) and her personality description was HOPEFUL!

It helped me to start feeling excited about Christmas and reminded me that though it may seem long and bleak, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

A big ramble....

I can not believe how fast this year has gone. It's been a bumpy road, but not without its joys.

I have had a lot of difficult moments from "its not fair" to " who am I to question His will". I was angry at times at the unfairness but He so quickly reminded me that there is a bigger picture and I have to trust that what is is meant for whatever reasons.

I can't say that its been an easy journey. I have honestly felt the farther away we get from the time Lilly was here the harder its been. It will be two years in February which I still can not believe! I guess you could say year two was harder than year one, but I hear some are harder than others.

Mornings have been hard on me again and I just am finding it hard to be joyful at times, and not for lack of trying. I still am happy but am missing her at the same time. 

I feel blogging helped me keep a more positive perspective so I really am making an effort to continue to do that. I know I keep saying that lol. I just feel its my outlet and for awhile I wasn't allowing myself the time I needed for my emotions on missing Lilly. I have vented to my mom, my husband, and my best friend, and two coworkers so that has helped. But I could only do that every now and then because of life happenings.

This post is a huge ramble which is one of the things I love about blogging. I can ramble :)

Wave of Light October 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

It's been awhile

      I know its been awhile and I'm actually trying to remedy that because while I have gotten away from writing in my blog I started in honor of Lilly's memory, I also feel I need to make time to do it and I wasn't doing that.  Things just got so busy so it was easy to kind of say Ok I'll post that another time.

    I found myself recently having a moment at work.  Well at first I was kind of fighting it only cause I was thinking "do I want to have a moment, should I have a moment," and then finally of course all you fellow BLM's out there know that it hit me like a ton of bricks and there was no controlling it.

   This time not many if any at work knew that I had a moment.  There was one coworker in particular I shared my moment with and that is because of the unfortunate truth that she has endured the same pain of losing a daughter so recently I might add, I want to thank her for being there.

   I apologize if my thoughts seem all jumbled as it is so early while I sit here writing and I feel my wording is not gramatically correct nor is it flowing together smoothly.

    I attended a child's first birthday yesterday.  My first birthday party where a child turned 1 since Lilly's passing (she would have turned 1 year old this past February).  It was so busy here that I really didn't even think it would affect me and some didn't even see why it should but I know there are those BLM's who understand and that helped me know that I have that support, that understanding.  Not that I enjoy sharing this pain with anyone, for I wish no one had to share the grief that comes with losing a child.

    I was only a little emotional before hand and not because I wasn't excited for my friend or for her baby's big milestone.  I was glad to be invited of course and honored that she would invite us to share in her family's celebration.  I even took some photos before we had to leave.

   As I said, I haven't really made much time for my grief or my outlet here (as you can see), and I think that its something I need to do for me, especially recently.  And that doesn't mean that I haven't moved forward or that life hasn't proceeded in the midst of Lilly's death, it just means that she's still with me and I will carry her always and it shows that even though Lilly died, my love for her never will.  And while I still have moments where I miss her so very much, I still love and cherish and appreciate what I still have in this life (Lilly included).  She is not here physically and while her death does not consume me nor define me or her, the emotions certainly have not nor will ever leave me.  That also doesn't mean I don't take the time I have with my living children for granted.  This blog is dedicated to Lilly's memory and so this space is specific to writing in regards to anything related to my grief for myself in missing Lilly.  It does not mean I am consumed by it and really, should I be blamed if I did? Yes, I have living children, but those living children do not replace Lilly, just as Lilly does not replace my living children.  They each and INDIVIDUALLY are EQUALLY important to me and I love ALL of my children here on earth or in heaven.

Happy 10th Birthday to my darling niece Kaliah

    I wanted to wish my niece Kaliah a Happy 10th Birthday! She is gone from our arms but never from our hearts.  Sending a lot of love and hugs to her daddy Ryan, one of my dearest friends.  Thinking of you and Kaliah ALWAYS! 

   I also wanted to share a memory I have of when I first met Kaliah, she was just a couple of months old and she was the first baby girl I held and I will always keep that memory close to my heart.  I remember how nervous and excited I was like it was yesterday. I miss talking to her on the phone and hearing her sweet voice.  Missing and loving you Kaliah! 

 Too PRECIOUS to forget!!!! 

      

Happy Belated Father's Day

I would like to send belated Happy Father's Day wishes to all the Father's out there.  A special shout out to all the Father's out there grieving the loss of their children and  the son's who are missing their fathers, I hope that you found Father's Day to be as peaceful as possible.  Sending a lot of positive thoughts your way.


I also was introduced to a great song this weekend. I have the song on Lilly's playlist and I also am going to post the lyrics in this post.

Talking To The Moon by Bruno Mars

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back
My neighbors think
I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I have
You're all I have

Chorus:

At night when the stars
light up my room
I sit by myself

Talking to the Moon
Trying to get to You
In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I'm feeling like I'm famous
The talk of the town
They say
I've gone mad
Yeah
I've gone mad
But they don't know
what I know

Cause when the
sun goes down
someone's talking back
Yeah
They're talking back

Chorus:


At night when the stars
light up my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the Moon
Trying to get to You
In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

Ahh Ahh,
Ahh Ahh,

Do you ever hear me calling?
Cause every night 
I'm talking to the moon
Still trying to get to you

In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away

Happy Memorial Day!

"For love of country they accepted death..."-James A. Garfield

"We come, not to mourn our dead soldiers, but to praise them." -Francis A. Walker

"For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity." - William Penn

"Death leaves us a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." from a headstone in Ireland

Happy Memorial Day! Remembering all who lost their lives in pursuit of the freedoms we benefit from today.

Wishing everyone a peaceful day.

*hugs*

Mother's Day 2011

   My day had its ups and downs.  At this point I've grown a bit used to grief being a part of my life.  It's never going to be easy living without Lilly; I know that, and have always accepted that.

    I know a few moms who are experiencing their first mother's day without their child and my heart goes out to them.  I wish I could take their pain away, but I know so well that it's not something that can be done.

    I miss her everyday so today is no exception, but it is difficult to celebrate 100% on a day where I can not share it with all my children, the reason to which I am a mother is them.  We painted, played, and hung out.  My husband cooked a GREAT breakfast (thank you Jim).

    I had plenty of wishes for a Happy Mother's Day which really helps to know I'm still thought of, that we are not forgotten and that most importantly Lilly is not forgotten.  And I know that even if no one else remembers dear Lilly we will always cherish her and remember her everyday of our lives and that's what matters.

    I remember having more peace last year than I do this year, but I think that has a lot to do with where I am at in my waves of grief.  Last year was more emotional tear wise, I have not cried but once this mother's day which is not an accomplishment.  The day I stop crying would hurt the most because I don't want to disconnect my emotions from Lilly and when I cry I know I still miss her and love her and that in a way brings me comfort.

   I'm gonna end this post saying I hope that every mom had a Happy Mother's Day and to those grieving moms, I hope that your day was filled with as much peace as there could be.  I know it's not easy and I wanted to send my love and hugs out to you all.

Work in Progress

    Please be patient with me as I update the look of my blog, it will probably take me awhile so it may look a little different or a lot different between visits.  I am playing around to see what will work and will not work, but I have to test it for me to actually feel it out if that makes sense.

   I did want to share a song today.  I was feeling the worst I have felt in awhile today with grieving and life occurrences on top of grief and just felt at such a loss but then I hear this song on the radio, a new one I have not yet heard before today Mandisa called "Stronger"  I know the pain will last forever and I believe that things will not get better in the sense that I will always be saddened that I no longer have Lilly here with me but that I will learn to live with it better each day if I trust in Him.

While I'm Waiting by John Waller

This song helps me get through some of my hard moments in grief.  I am posting it in hopes that the sharing the lyrics may help bring what little comfort can be brought to someone out there.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

One more thing tonight

   I think I am hitting my most number of posts in an evening, but I did have to blog about one more thing.  I've decided that I do need to have a "blogging day" doesn't have to be an assigned day being that life throws curve balls so having it on a specific day may not always work out, but I realized that I do need to express myself or else I'll just end up keeping it all in and keep moving forward as I have been.

   Nothing has happened, I just feel like I'm stressing more and I feel that some of that has to do with I haven't really made time for me to outlet my grief and that was one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place.  I stopped for awhile because one, my computer was on sabbatical and two, I just didn't want to keep writing about the same emotions over and over again.  I felt that might be a little boring to my readers, and it got tiring for me as well.  I have realized though that I may be writing or venting about the same things but I feel I have grown and learned and healed as little as one can on a rest of my life basis.  I was feeling like I was taking two steps forward but then on other days I feel I'm all the way back to the beginning of the path, but I feel those are just hills and valleys and yes sometimes mountains....so on the days where I am down in the Valley I make my way up the Hill to get over the Mountain then I'm on not so shaky ground again.  I know too many metaphors.  Basically what I am trying to say is that just when I started this journey without Lilly physically in my life, I knew that there would be ups and downs and that would be OK.  I think its just in the last few months I felt at times that it was harder than when I first began and in ways it always will be.

    When I was with Lilly here on earth I felt so close to her and on days where I feel that I am grasping onto what little memory I have of her, I feel like I'm stumbling.  But just before I fall I call out to God and I feel comfort, or Lilly shows me a sign that she is still very much with us just not as we could ever imagine and that thought again comforts me.

   I won't lie, on days where I feel like I can not be comforted by God I just wait it out; wait until that storm passes and I am past the despair wave of grief.  Its going to be a never ending journey until the day I die, and I'm gonna be in excruciating pain, of course I will, for I have a hole in my heart that NO "stopper" can fill.  And I'm OK with that, I've always been OK with that but for a bit I felt as if I lost that thought and I would feel a bit panicked.  Today I feel it coming back as the tears roll down my eyes while I type.

   My train of thought is lost for I need a moment and not to mention this post is getting longer.  I am glad I have a place to spill out my innermost heartaches on missing my sweet sweet Lilly.  Though there is joy intermingled with my sadness I am still hurting, I will always hurt for my baby girl.

   I have been watching Army Wives and I love that show by the way but I have also been able to relate to the show on so many levels but even more so now including the loss of a child.  Recently one of the moms on the show has had to bury her son and another mom has in the past buried one of her daughters.  I do love how they depict the grief and right now I've had to watch it in pieces because of a busy schedule but in this episode they go to a support group.  It doesn't go as well as one would hope under circumstances being what they are, but it reminded me of how great a support I have found through family, friends, this blogging world and though I have not been participating as much, my online support groups.  Even helping with Rachel's Gift has been a great comfort when I just am in so much pain I feel numb.  I get angry when I hear another family has suffered the loss of a child and knowing that they have such a journey ahead of them is upsetting.  I know what this feels like and I do not wish it on anyone else.  But I have to remind myself that God has a plan, whatever it is.

    I spoke to a mother who reminded me of the way I thought when Lilly first died, that everything happens for a reason but now that view has changed into why does it? Let us in on the secret please?  I think our babies are the secret, they're a glimpse into what God has planned and we have to trust.  I've been offering up all my Blind Faith.  I have not yet gotten angry with God.  I say yet, because who knows I still may, and I feel partly that He wants me to get angry with Him, to offer it up to Him, cause He can take it.  I can't convince myself to do so because I think...why? what would it do? It just would make me feel horrible afterward and mainly, honestly, It won't bring her back! I just don't see the point in it even if I feel it may be something I need to do.  By mad I mean shouting and screaming at the top of my lungs "WHY? WHY DID YOU TAKE HER? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? TELL ME? COULDN'T SHE HAVE WORKED YOUR PLAN HERE, SHE WAS SO AMAZING! WHY HER AND NOT ME? I PRAYED FOR YOU TO TAKE ME INSTEAD"  The caps are emphasizing the shouting, but I am not feeling angry at this time, just utter utter sadness and heartbreak.  Heartbreak for me and for anyone else who has had to walk this journey and for all future parents, for I unfortunately know this does not stop with me, I wish it did, Oh how I wish none of you had to feel this.

Just a disclaimer: I want to emphasize that though I am emotionally rambling tonight, I do still keep Lilly in my heart and would no way trade never having her for the freedom to not feel this.  I love her, and pain or no pain she will always be my daughter, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I would have traded my life for her and still would had I to do it all over again.


  

New Look

  Trying out a new look, but not sure I like it.  Please bear with me as I may change it, may  keep it, may go back to what I had with some tweaks....I figure I'll sleep on it and see how I feel about it in the morning.  Who knew deciding on a blog background would be something I would agonize over, though I completely understand why I am doing it, and it makes sense to me. Thank you.

Save a Place For Me by Matthew West

I heard this song today and I felt the words were so perfect and what I needed to hear today, so I thought I would share them. Its a beautiful bittersweet song for me. I'm reminded of a time when someone told me that someone else who passed away left a legacy, why? because she was older when she passed? She had lived more than Lilly? I don't feel a child's age has anything to do with how much it hurts a parent to be without them.  


I know that we only had Lilly here for NINE MONTHS (in utero) SIX days FIVE hours and THIRTY minutes, and many may question how much did she really do, but because of what people have said about Lilly and what she did for them, I really feel she did so much more for so many others than I have ever done in my 29 years here.  This has been a hard week for me and I feel just that back and forth.  


My oldest son and I finally bought stuff to start our scrapbooks for Lilly and as I was explaining this I realized that this may be uncomfortable or sad for others to hear but this is our everyday lives now. Our "normal" if that's what you would like to call it.  We will never be where we were before and as much as I miss her and it breaks my heart that I can not hear touch or see her physically here with me, I wouldn't trade being her mother for the chance to no longer feel how much it hurts to miss her.


*hugs* to any reading who have lost a child or a loved one or even are supporting those who have suffered a great loss.  I know these words may have been sad to read. This is not a burden one wishes to bear, but I am proud to bear it and glad that Lilly was a part of my life no matter how brief, she mattered! They all matter!


Don't be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

(Chorus) 
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

(Chorus)

I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...
Until I get there...

(Chorus)

From the heart; a little frustration and a never ending Thank You

    I know that I have not been the funnest person at times since losing Lilly, and I wanted to take a moment to thank those of you who understood and allowed me to be a little bit unreasonable and irrational.  I know it was hard to understand at times especially when I was laughing one moment and grieving hard the next, and even more so watch me feel such pain, but I am grateful you stood by and allowed me the space I needed to grieve in what way was best and healthiest for ME.

    I am very opinionated as well as vocal in the defense of anyone who is grieving because I feel I understand on a different level than those who have not lost a child.  This is not an insult to those that have not lost a child and I am not saying that they can't be supportive and sympathetic. I am saying I can be empathetic and trust me, it's not a position any parent wishes to find themselves in.  Please also keep in mind I have been on the other side of friends losing their babies or child before losing Lilly so I have been the sympathetic but not empathetic one.

      Whether it's been a week or 20 years a grieving parent needs to react.  I get that it's hard for those who have not experienced a loss such as ours to fathom because they move ON in their daily lives, which let me state there is nothing wrong with.  My kids still miss their sister, my husband and I, our youngest daughter.  Grieving is forever a part of our lives and will never leave us.  We still cry and and we still laugh and smile as well.  I feel laughing and smiling is the best way to honor Lilly Elizabeth's memory; I also believe crying honors her memory as well.

     I've lived "this"! I've lived with loved ones and best friends shockingly making me feel like they think I should be over the hard moments.  "This" is the death of my daughter and while I don't sulk every single second, I do have my moments where I just plain think "WHY?" and "THIS SUCKS" and that's OK! I just get so frustrated that people think that were not OK cause wow we're sad about our children no longer being here with us. That some people do not understand why we get the way we get, I just can not wrap my mind around this.

    I'm not as angry about it as I once was, however, I still get irritated.  I feel for the moms and dads who get treated badly ON TOP of having to relearn to "breathe again".  Its hard and I'm still learning.  I know that its possibly hard for those to fathom that can choose to move ON...we have no choice and can only move FORWARD the best way we can.

    Even though there have been moments of utter hurt and frustration from those closest to me, I have to say that we have been blessed to have the support system that we do.  I don't really feel we've lost anyone along the way; and we have gained much as well.  I am grateful to all of you, and you all know who you are! Lilly was blessed to have known you all and I am glad that y'all had the chance to know and love her.  I am forever grateful.

My heart is heavy

    Today was a more difficult day than the last two have been and we have yet to meet up with the one year anniversary of Lilly's angel day on 2/28/2011.  I have not really allowed myself to go there yet as I do not feel quite ready for that.  I plan on packing up Lilly's stuff soon after passing the one year angel day anniversary.

    I am praying for a dear friend of mine and her daughter who is in the hospital today.  Her family has had a long and hard journey and I continue to pray for them as I have.  I wish I could go into more detail than that, but I can say is this family is very deserving of prayers. I feel guilty in that despite my grieving I only wish I could do more for them.

    It has been a rock hard sad day.  I went to work attempting to stay the whole day, but alas to no avail I left for the day.  I visited my friend whom I am praying for in the hospital and I hung out at home wishing to escape my thoughts and the pain of what this journey sometimes and most recently brings.  I felt like I took two steps back in the grieving department, but I know now that it is all a part of my grieving process.  In the beginning I allowed myself every tear and every depressive thought as well as every joy and every smile that emerged in life's journey as well as and especially when it involved reminiscing on the joys that were surrounding the time we spent with Lilly.  I found great need for comfort that I knew would never be enough.  I couldn't stay home, yet I couldn't go anywhere, I was frozen today.  I wanted to lay in bed close out the light and just close my eyes and escape away from all the aching.  I know tomorrow will be another day and we'll see where it leads me, but as for tonight...my heart is indeed heavy.

Happy First Birthday Lilly Elizabeth!

    Today my baby girl would have been a year old.  She should have been crawling and just about ready to start walking.  We should have been planning an elaborate birthday party...instead we took tokens of flowers and balloons to her graveside. Today also marks one year from the beginning of her 6 day miraculous life!  These thoughts kept floating through my head all day long.  The emotions are raw and at times heavy beyond belief.  This is a celebration of her life though and I will focus on that for today!

      I had asked Alanna & my SIL Sarah to wear corsages and they both chose to.  My oldest daughter and I also wore corsages in honor of Lilly's birthday!  I plan on doing this every year and both lovely ladies have chosen to join me in this tradition each year as well.

Mommy & Big Sister's corsages

Aunt Alanna's corsage

Aunt Sarah's corsage

"One lily for one year. Thinking of you on this special day. We love you." sent to us from my SIL, BIL & 3 nephews

1st Birthday cupcake, it was too windy to light at cemetery so we lit it at home and we sang happy birthday then kids blew out her candle.

Carnation picked out by oldest older brother, rose picked out by daddy. Our oldest son placed them on her marker  this way; had to take a picture of such a sweet gesture.

Balloons & flowers (from stuffed animal on is another baby's spot)

Gifts for Lilly

Front of card made by our eldest son

"Today is your birthday! you are one and you learn to cral. I hope this dream comes true" My son the writer.  He had us all sign it.

Cake from Ann, her daughter Alyssa and Lilly celebrate their birthdays on the same day.  I am honored to know both Ann and Alyssa.  She said she feels like each cake she picks is meant to be which is so true. Very neat because she pointed out that there are six butterflies on the cake, one for each day that Lilly lived and 3 butterflies surrounding Lilly's cake, one for each of her siblings.  Thank you so much Ann!   

This beautiful Lily is from Lisette whose daughter Sami shares Lilly's same diagnosis.  I have gotten to know her well am honored to know Sami through her mommy's words.  This Lily is beautiful and yellow and I love how she wrote Lilly Elizabeth's name on the petal.  Thank you so much Lisette.

    We hung out as a family, just enjoying one another, embracing and cherishing one another.  We miss Lilly everyday and our hearts break a little everyday.  We also reflected with family and friends the joys we experienced knowing her.

   I want to thank everyone for their birthday wishes to our darling Lilly, they were greatly appreciated and extremely touching.  Our hearts were overwhelmed with the joy of how many remembered her along side us.


 

Small But Mighty

   I'm going to be honest, I've been struggling a lot today.  Its been a day filled with off and on hard moments, and  I did not anticipate this day would affect me as much as it has.  Mostly it is because I am reminded that a year ago today was the last night that Lilly spent in my tummy and that has been really hard to swallow.

   I had celebrations planned for her first heavenly birthday and am going forth with most of them, but today I just lost motivation.  Then I thought how sad it is for me to lose motivation the day before a milestone which celebrates the LIFE of my child.  Its like everything I did today was a struggle.  Confusing even more is the  day started out fine, which is odd cause usually mornings are the hardest for me, but slowly as the day progressed it just got harder.

   Its weird, but today feels like the hardest grieving day I've ever had since Lilly passed away and it came on strong and without warning so I wasn't at all equipped to handle it.  Then again, I don't feel anything could prepare me for how I feel today.  For the shortest month in the year, it sure has been a long one.

   I do not really like feeling this way because mostly I feel that Lilly's life should be a celebration and her angel day should be a time of bittersweet joy. She is with God in heaven and is well taken care of.  So why do I feel sorry for myself?  I am not good at feeling this way...I'm still learning how to handle feeling so down like this.  I know it is normal, acceptable, valid, and healthy, but more importantly this wave of grief will eventually pass as it has before but while I am in it, I just feel so heavy.

    I anticipate tomorrow will be better being that Lilly beat the odds that were set against her by Dr's and their opinions as well as online studies, but most importantly she LIVED!  One of the Hospice volunteers called and it was an amazing conversation. We discussed how yes, parents are NOT supposed to bury their children, that is not considered to be "normal" but how death is a "normal" part of life and so in a way Lilly's existence is normal in the way that her life span included life (in utero, out here with us) & the unfortunately and ever infamous death.  What is not deemed "normal" is the amount of time that she lived being a newborn as opposed to my own time as an adult and her parent, which I would have traded in a heartbeat.

    She knew the best part of life; FRIENDSHIP, HOPE, but MOST importantly LOVE & now she knows everlasting LOVE! What more could a mother ask for?.

   Yes, I miss her dearly and that will never change.  I've learned so much from her and continue to see the ripples in which she has set in motion.  She may be small, but she is mighty!  I want to thank those of you who are thinking of our family and our baby girl Lilly as we approach our first year anniversaries.  It has not been an easy road and I imagine I will continue to learn to live with this pain of missing her, but also the joy of having known her.

 

Anticipation of anniversaries to come

   With Lilly's first heavenly birthday fast approaching I find that I have been on the same roller coaster of emotions as the day I started my journey of grieving.  I was set in what I planned, something private just me, Jim and the kids, a butterfly birthday cake I would attempt to make and frog cupcakes that our oldest son wanted to make for his dear sister.  I also plan on wearing a corsage along with a few women that I feel honored would want to participate in wearing.
 
    Today I found myself unmotivated to make the cake, just the cupcakes with the kids. The fact that Lilly was here on her birthday and lived those 9 months in utero and 6 amazing days 5 precious hours and 30 cherished minutes is such a blessing and makes me happy!  I think the procrastination of what I planned maybe is my way of thinking if I just keep putting it off then the day won't come.

    The one year mark came up so quickly and I guess a little part of me just was not ready for it.  I don't think its something I could prepare for no matter how many plans I made.  Its the first BIG anniversary of many with her Angel Day on the 28th, and Burial Day soon after on March 3rd.

    Earlier I felt that the reason it was so hard for me to plan anything and even implement my planning is because I feel that nothing I do will be adequate enough for Lilly.  I just want to honor her the best way that I can.  I think of her everyday every second as I do with all my children and my husband as well as my parents and loved ones....but I want these anniversaries to have significance because they matter.

   I also am thinking of my dear friend Ann and her daughter Alyssa as she shares the same birthday as Lilly..  She has walked this journey with me and as unfortunate the circumstances are that brought us together, I am grateful to know her and honored she would share Alyssa's life with me.

   For all those that are walking this journey, I thank you for allowing me to walk with you and I think of all of you daily.  There are so many wonderful people I have met and I am grateful to know.  My heart has been  touched by so many of you and I can never thank you enough.

   I know these next few weeks will be very emotional (in fact the whole month of February has been so much so already) and I find that I am glad that I was able to find an outlet for my grief and find so many that have helped comfort me throughout this past year.  I am so humbled by it all.

   I miss my dear Lilly and wish I could hug her and kiss her everyday.

Addition to last post:grieving in our own way

    I wanted to explicate a little on the quote I included in my last post and how it was in regards to how I feel about my grief.  It in no way means that I judge how anyone chooses to grieve. I've just had several instances in which individuals have tried to get me to stifle my grief because for them its easier to not talk about Lilly and their feelings on missing her, therefore I felt the quote that I had stumbled upon that day embodied how I felt about my grief.

    I am a firm believer in that we all must grieve our loved ones in what way fits us best. Whatever way we choose to grieve individually is best.  I want to be clear that I in no way judge others on how they choose to grieve.  I just was simply stating that the quote was perfect in describing how I am grieving.  I understand we all grieve in our own way, and I would not try to talk anyone out of the way they choose to grieve. It is in having those instances with certain individuals where I can not help but think how I would like the same respect in the way I choose to grieve my daughter.

   I apologize if I offended anyone in any way, for that was not my intention.  I should have thought farther ahead regarding the words in the quote.

Turkish Proverb

EDIT: I have explicated a little on this quote in case I have offended anyone in a more recent post

"He who conceals his grief finds no remedy for it"

   I love this.  It was taken off a picture that was so delicately and beautifully done in remembrance of a baby who had anencephaly. The support group is Anencephaly_Support  I feel this says it all and is so true for me.  If I conceal my grief then I won't find what little healing there is after losing one's child.  I would like to touch on this a little more in a future post.

   My computer was out of commission for a bit, but I am back and hope to post a little more often than I have been.  I have posts I've written in a binder so that I could keep track and post when computer was ready for me, as well as for when I was ready.  I kind of took a hiatus as well.

   Please know that I was thinking about all you mommy's and daddy's out there who walk this same journey I do.  Not a day goes by where you are not in my thoughts and prayers.  I will also be catching up on as many blog posts as I can that I have not already read, so you may see me around.  Hugs to all of you.