Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Finality of the Ending of my Pregnancy

I wanted to keep this blog about Lilly and her story. Not about me. I wanted to keep this blog on a positive note. But I feel compelled to post today. That being said I had an EMOTIONAL day today. Woke up crying as our 4 year old daughter held me and just let me cry. My hubby was working and was not home this morning.
I had to attend a meeting for work and it was a room full of mostly people that I didn't know. And for some reason I found it overwhelming and I just started crying. Luckily a friend was there and sadly she's been through the loss of a baby as well and she helped me by just telling me to "breathe" just "breathe" Ok wait, let me start from the beginning.
Today was my six week check up from having my c-section. Everything is fine. I had LOTS of questions about the POSSIBLE not yet decided future. My husband and I have decided to wait a year before we make the decision to STOP having children. We don't want to make any impulsive or rash decisions if were not ready. The finality of the end of my pregnancy was today in that it was the six week check up. I am done with all my check ups since being pregnant with Lilly :(.
Today I was blaming myself. In a way you might ask, why? Natural reaction would be to tell me its not my fault and I know no good can come from this. I would tell any mom feeling this way that its not her fault. And I know to a HUGE degree it isn't...but I can't help but feel somewhat responsible. Perhaps its the fact that I couldn't save my daughter and that's what a parent, a mother is SUPPOSED to do. To protect her child. Perhaps it is the choices I made or lack of something I didn't do. Didn't eat enough, rest enough, take enough vitamins. Something I drank, ate, or medicine I took for pain. I know it won't bring her back.
I felt SOOO Guilty today as we have not decided to have more but the fact that I was just asking in case we did decide just made me feel like I was betraying Lilly. I have no rushed desire or rushed urge to get pregnant right still hurts too much. The wound is still too fresh. But today I felt for a split second that if I found out I was pregnant (not possible at this time) the thought made me feel excited. And I felt horrible because in a way I feel I am shoving her memory to the side. No possible future child or our 3 living children can replace Lilly that was not what I thought today. Each child in our family is special in their own way and we love each dearly and equally!
I don't think of this as God punishing me. No I still feel that He blessed us with our little miracle and now angel Lilly Elizabeth, and am honored He chose us to be her parents. I just can't help feeling this way today. And I know its one of those days. Other days I won't be as hard on myself. Its the ups and downs of missing my little Lilly :*(.
I'm not gonna lie, it hurts like HELL, it really does. I just didn't want to post such negative feelings. I didn't want to associate negative with Lilly someone who just brought so much light and positiveness and joy to everyone she met.
But I have to be honest with how I feel. Sure I can just not post this and leave it at that, but as I said I felt compelled to post this.
I'd be a liar if I said I didn't have lots of days where I was just overcome with sadness...A PARENT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO OUTLIVE ANY OF THEIR CHILDREN!!! And I don't mean that angrily just emphasizing it. I am so overcome with sadness today :*(, words can't express it.
And to be honest, I'm not used to being the crier. Not that anything is wrong with it. I cry only around those I completely trust and even then I feel stupid for doing so. I always feel silly when I cry. I'm used to comforting others and its so hard to be on this end, I'm not sure I know how.
A fellow blogger wrote on her page that she saw on someone else's blog "don't make her death bigger than her life" and that was so perfectly worded. I don't know who to give the credit to for that but it just sums it up. I've been trying to do that, but I do have moments/days such as today and that's ok too. Its ok to mourn the loss of her life. I think happily about Lilly's life and can be happy thinking of her most of the time, but I still get sad. Sad only because I miss her so much, words can't begin to express the depth of how much I miss our Lilly Elizabeth!


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