Thursday, April 1, 2010

An Emotional Morning

I can say today is very emotional. I was trying to talk about a subject with one of my framily (friend who has become family) members and I just had to stop. It was too hard to even talk about. She did good though, we were texting and while I cried she changed the subject and started texting about something different, which was perfect for me. She also let me cry so that was helpful too. She just waited patiently while I cried and didn't say anything to make me feel better. Which is what I needed.
It was about the approaching first holiday without Lilly. I can't type much about it without ending up crying uncontrollably again. I just wanted to show that though I am mostly ok I do have moments where I am overwhelmed with sadness and it gets hard to talk about certain things even though other times I can talk about whatever. I feel I will go through this off and on throughout the rest of my life. Its soooo hard. I wish I could tell the moms who unfortunately are going to go through this that it is easy. Its not. And I know that sounds discouraging. I felt that way when other moms told me the same thing before we lost Lilly. I do still welcome the sadness. Missing her is ok cause she matters. It sucks it really does. There's no one perfect thing to say to make it all better. I just know that leaning on God and my family has helped me. Support is a great thing to have. You can't, I can't go through this alone and I don't want to. Typing this is even hard to do without setting off the tears. I allow the tears. Its getting harder to cry quietly. I just allow the tears cause that's all I can do...fighting them won't help me. Acknowledging them is what will if anything. It doesn't go away and it is strong and overwhelming at times. But just like there are times like those, there are times of happiness and joy. I feel like I can't really give advice since I'm so new to the world of grieving on this level. I just can only speak from my heart and be as open as I can. The first holiday will be a sad time without Lilly. I also will make sure that our three living children have a great holiday. I can say that it won't be without tears from me...but I guess the only thing to do is to welcome those moments when they come, take a minute, compose myself and keep on going. I hope this entry wasn't too discouraging, it was not my intention. Just know there are times of great sadness. When I look at a picture of Lilly or remember a time we had with her I smile and feel good. The sadness is from missing her. I miss her soooo much!


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