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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Two Month mark #2

Today has been such an emotional day. On top of being 2 months to the day that Lilly left us to be with our Heavenly Father, I also returned to work. I know many who do not understand what this feels like may think 2 months is enough time to be able to return back to work, and it is in a way, but in a way it isn't. I will never be fully healed, so now I must learn to live my life, all aspects, work included with my grief.
I wish I could say that today I felt great and it was good getting back to work. I CAN say that my job is awesome, the women there are amazing, supportive and most importantly compassionate so I am grateful that I have such a great working environment to return to.That being said, I can't lie, it has been an emotionally hard day, as expected. I am going to be sad and that is OK. I am OK with carrying my grief. This song "Breakeven" is about a breakup but these words I feel are so true on days that I am really sad from missing Lilly.

"I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing
And no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cause I got time, while she got freedom
And when a heart breaks it don't break even"


So true on my heartwrenching days. Some moments are harder than others, and last longer sometimes than others. I am not asking anyone to get down here with me on those days. And I know this blog is dedicated to getting Lilly's life story out there as its such a positive one through what is a heartbreaking diagnosis, but I also use it to cope. It doesn't mean my whole life is consumed by my grief, just that this is an outlet for that. As I will write when I have better days than today. I live my life taking in every precious moment I can with my living children. I read stories every night, sing to them, play, dance, be silly, hang out, talk with. I live for my children all of them. They are the strength that helps me through. That and the strength of our Lord of course.
I am trying to move forward or move through life with my newfound position in life due to losing Lilly. A part of my heart broke the day she left us and it will always remain just that, broken. I'm not asking to be fixed. You can't fix my broken heart. The pain is a reminder that she was here and that she was very real.

Two months ago today we held you one last time
Two months ago today, you were brought to His hand
Two months ago today, I said goodbye when you could not stay
Two months ago today, I told you if you needed to go that it was ok

I miss you more and more each day but live my life to the fullest
I cherish each moment that passes as if it were my last
Though the pain grief brings is at times overwhelming
I wouldn’t trade it for the world for that would be unbearable


I love and miss you so much that it often makes me cry
Know that these tears are sometimes uncontrollable but I don’t question why
For I know that you did great things while you were here with us
And I wait for the day where I can once again see my Lilly bear in the arms of Jesus


love and prayers
elena


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