Wednesday, April 7, 2010

First Holiday

Easter was our first holiday without Lilly. :*( Such a beautiful Holiday, celebrating the Resurrection of Our Lord and Savior. The anticipation leading up to Easter Sunday was unbearable at times. I could not even discuss possible plans as it just made me cry uncontrollably.
We ended up spending the day at my in laws house with my sister in law her husband and my two nephews. It was a fun day spent coloring eggs, preparing the meal, egg hunting and just hanging out playing with the kids.
The anticipation was a lot more tear filled than the actual day but that's also due to being kept busy by the children and all the activities. I did have moments off and on where I cried and one BIG cry after my father in law said the prayer over our meal. I just started to shake and excused myself, went into the other room and cried HARD, I think the hardest I've cried since. I felt bad for leaving at that time and I knew the kids needed me but I couldn't help it. I also cried preparing the Easter baskets knowing one was missing.
Since we were out of town, we had visited Lilly's graveside and gave her her easter gift the night before. I actually got to visit three times. We first went as a family but the two younger kids were sleeping. So our youngest woke up on the way home and asked to see Lilly so we stopped again. Finally our oldest daughter woke up and asked to visit Lilly so on our way out of town we stopped and visited her. This was at night. Our first time visiting at night. My husband wasn't with us but he's been several times at night. I thought it was really amazing that our oldest daughter who is 4 wanted to visit her sister's grave even in the dark. It was peaceful. I found myself saying "I'm sorry" to Lilly as I took a moment for myself alone to say goodbye to her. I don't know why I said "I'm sorry" I think I felt bad going out of town. I cried hard then too. And as we were heading out of town.
My mother in law and I had a great conversation about Lilly. She told me that people tell her she's an inspiration cause she talks about Lilly and is so positive about her. That made me feel so good to hear that my mother in law still talks about her. She said that in a garden that her work planted in honor of a coworker who lost her life in a car accident recently they had planted a Lily Tree and are going to put a stake there someday in honor of Lilly. It was amazing..we cried and I hugged her and I said its good crying. I cry now even as I type this. Which I haven't really had time for lately as its been so busy at home. I feel like I haven't had time to grieve as silly as that sounds. I always think of Lilly and we all talk about her everyday its just a little different. But I think its also the time. Sometimes it will be hard to get out of bed, other times I'll be too busy that I have no choice but to get out of bed and keep moving. I'm happy when I think of Lilly. I am just sad she's not here with us but I'm happy she's in a better place.
I had a peace at Easter, almost like the day we buried Lilly's body or "vessel" as my husband has said. I imagined I'd be a mess and there was a calm over me. I think that was God and Lilly. They're always with me. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and share in Lilly's story.


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