A comment I left on this blog
http://loridoesmd.blogspot.com/ in response to Lori's post of "Heavy Stuff"
Lori, I hope you don't mind. I feel the questions you were so willing to post for everyone are ones most are faced with everyday. In responding to your post, I also ended up giving my point of view on our journey with Lilly so I wanted to share that point of view with the readers of Lilly's blog so they may gain a better understanding of one; where I am on my journey, and two; my thought process throughout and faith throughout.
I applaud your honesty. I read all the comments and applaud everyone's point of view. I am not sure which camp I fall into. Our little Lilly passed away of Anencephaly 2/28/2010. She was born on 2/22/2010 given 2 hours to a day to live, and went on to live for 6 days 5 hours and 30 minutes. I don't believe that Our Lord did this to us or Lilly. I do believe God knows what is to happen, BUT I do not believe He does anything to us. I believe the choices we make determine our path and that path is ever changing due to our choices, HOWEVER, He knows what will happen with whatever choice we make. I hope that makes some sense. I do believe the tests and tribulations we are faced with are Satan trying to recruit us or to have us go against God. If you have ever noticed you could have a HAPPY day or a GREAT week and then one thing can happen that can take that happiness away, that's Satan trying to take that happiness from you. He hates happiness and love. I feel the happier you are, the harder he tries to take it from you. God does have the power to change our path, but that would go against him giving us free will in the first place. I do believe for us as humans it is beyond our understanding. Think of it this way, (I am Catholic, therefore a believer in Christ coming and dying for our sins.) God lost a child too, he sent Jesus to us KNOWING full well that his life would end when it did. But He still chose to send him. He had hope that His people with which He created would chose a different path, although they didn't. He still tried to save us. And so in the end the only way to save us was for Jesus to die for our sins. Again I think as a human we will never fully understand God's will or reasoning for our lives. I don't think we have that capability, if we did we wouldn't be here in the first place. I do believe there is a purpose for everything. I could easily have taken a dark path, and still could having just lost Lilly. I could get angry. But it won't bring her back to me and I don't want to associate bad feelings cause then that would mean Lilly being here was bad in some way and it wasn't. I prayed throughout my pregnancy and tried to live as good a life and make good choices while pregnant with Lilly. I still do to this day, I only want goodness to come from her being here. Though I do have my hard days, I won't lie. My requests were a lot but I asked for at least a week with her and got 6 days. I also asked for her to meet her siblings at least if anything and she did, she also met 50 people in her lifetime. I got something I didn't ask for and that was her nursing which she did TWO days after she was born. I wanted her to meet everyone that was willing, and she got to plus more. So that being said its hard for me to question in that most of my prayers and then some were answered. I don't know why they were. My biggest prayer for Him to take me instead and leave her here was not answered. Or to have her healed was not answered either. He doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want them to and I felt bad asking Him to save our little Lilly when I know other mothers have suffered losses of their own children so how dare I have the audacity to pray a selfish prayer. I feel that is what Faith is...its believing even when its hard. We can't see God, but we believe He exists. I think He does ask for blind faith, and we have the choice to give it to Him despite our trials and tribulations, or to turn our backs on Him. I also still to this day feel unworthy of the blessings He gave us while Lilly was here on earth. I hope and pray you find your answers, or at least some peace. This comment is only giving you my point of view in hopes that it will help you on your journey. I know this is a tough journey, that I wish NO ONE had to go through. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way, I wish there was something I could do. Let me end with a *hug*. And I am sorry this was so long.
love and prayers