So lately I found it curious as to why I was in such a good mood. Christmas is my favorite holiday but this would be our first without Lilly so I anticipated a full on explosion of emotions being that I LOVE Christmas and could not spend it complete with all FOUR of my children. It always feels like its from one extreme to the next with my grieving. One minute I'm excited and completely happy, the next I'm down and on the verge of tears. But I guess what goes up must come down at some point.
Don't get me wrong, I do feel sad that Lilly is not here with me. I feel that is natural and expected and entitled. I do not think that it means I am wrong to feel this way nor anyone should have that right to question or tell me it is wrong. I recently had a person ask me if I thought about Lilly everyday and I said yes, I think about all my children on a daily basis. She then asked me if I thought that not talking about her would make me forget her. I said no I won't forger her ever. She then tried preceeded to inform me that "you won't forget her if you stop talking about her" which made me feel like she was trying to talk me out of talking about my daughter because it made her sad. Her words "it just makes me sad" and I told her I am not trying to make you sad, but she is MY daughter and I am not going to stop. I had noticed that she seemed to be offended when I talked about Lilly, but as I said before, I don't care its not about that person its about MY daughter. Yes it may make them sad but honestly and bluntly its not about them. I really don't want to waste my time feeling this way towards a person who doesn't deserve my anger. I really even debated posting about this at all. But feel that its worth it for me to vent, to get it off my chest and let it go. Needless to say if anyone knows one thing about me its do NOT tell me how to grieve, do NOT tell me to stop talking about my daughter. I talk about all my children, anyone who truly knows me and pays attention to me knows that I do. She said "you do?" like "really?". I usually don't let people get to me like that anymore, but she just kept pushing and pushing. I told her that everyone grieves differently and no one has the right to tell anyone how to grieve. And its only been 10 months. That's beside the point it can be 10 years from now and still will be acceptable for me to talk about my daughter. She then agreed with me???? So what was the point? I don't care and I don't care to rehash it with her. I've made up my mind, she went a little too far on something that is personal and I am steering clear.
On that same day I had a dear friend tell me that she wrote her paper on abortion and she used us and Lilly as an example for her against argument (she argued both sides of course). I was just extremely happy to hear that Jennifer wanted to use Lilly's story. She referenced this blog and she also is going to give me a copy to read and has given me permission to post her paper here so I look forward to reading it.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Nine Months
Exactly nine months ago today Lilly Elizabeth was born. I've thought about this day and anticipated it would be much harder than it actually was. Nine months, almost the exact amount of time I carried her in my tummy has passed since her birth. I imagined I would be feeling loads of despair today, that with it also being the one year anniversary since Uncle Joel's passing and the week of celebrating our first Thanksgiving without Lilly physically here with us.
I did have a moment this morning where I just cried allowing myself to feel the pain. There was of course also moments where I felt torn between feeling joy and being happy and then feeling like that was wrong, that I should be more sad today. Just a plethora of emotions as always, but mostly today I felt joy and happiness, and I felt that was the right way to feel today.
It is not always going to be easy and I find that my anticipation is sometimes more emotional than the actual reason for the anticipation. There are moments where I feel the despair of grief quite strongly, but there are more moments in between where I do not. I've learned this does not mean that I love her any less, and it does not mean that I have forgotten her or "moved on". I will never do any of that. It just means that I am doing just what I need to be doing in order to live a life as a parent surviving one of her children. My love for Lilly has not subsided in the least and I will always go back and forth through the same emotions I have written about here for the rest of my life. I love her so much and miss her so much! No matter what emotion I am going through at the time, that will never change.
I did have a moment this morning where I just cried allowing myself to feel the pain. There was of course also moments where I felt torn between feeling joy and being happy and then feeling like that was wrong, that I should be more sad today. Just a plethora of emotions as always, but mostly today I felt joy and happiness, and I felt that was the right way to feel today.
It is not always going to be easy and I find that my anticipation is sometimes more emotional than the actual reason for the anticipation. There are moments where I feel the despair of grief quite strongly, but there are more moments in between where I do not. I've learned this does not mean that I love her any less, and it does not mean that I have forgotten her or "moved on". I will never do any of that. It just means that I am doing just what I need to be doing in order to live a life as a parent surviving one of her children. My love for Lilly has not subsided in the least and I will always go back and forth through the same emotions I have written about here for the rest of my life. I love her so much and miss her so much! No matter what emotion I am going through at the time, that will never change.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
October 27, 2010 - one year ago tomorrow
It will be a year ago that we were making phone calls. Everyone knew we were going for a specialist visit due to my bloodwork and the AFP levels coming back positive. I was instructed not to worry, that it was very common to have a false positive. Still I was worried. I always felt something was wrong with our baby's head. For some reason, I knew it was going to be something in that area.
I will always be grateful to our ultrasound technician as she was very good to us. She described every detail of her little body, and in giving us the most exciting news that we were having our 2nd little girl! I secretly have always wanted two girls and two boys, that being said I would have been happy either way. I had a strong feeling she would be a girl. Our ultrasound tech was also good to us in that she told us that there was indeed an issue that the Dr. would discuss with us, but her tone was calm and unalarming. She gave us no indication as to the severity of the "issue" and it never occured to us to ask. In hindsight, we both remember the way Lilly's profile looked and that there was something off and how the ultrasound tech kept going back to her head over and over again. We never saw the round profile we were used to seeing. It was almost like our not noticing was protecting us, allowing us to linger in our blissful ignorant happiness for just a little while longer. Because not long after, the world we knew was about to be changed forever.
We were lead back to the waiting room and instructed that that Dr. would call us back in a few moments. We were scared of the unknown, of what was to come but felt we could handle whatever came our way, as long as the news was not fatal we would be OK. We knew after we got the call about my bloodwork that we were willing to handle anything. Anything but what happened next.
The Dr. called us and brought us back into his office. I vaguely remember most of what was said but the words "anencephaly" and "incompatible with life" seem to stick out the most in my memory. I have come to learn the words "incompatible with life" seem to be the most common words used to give the news to parents of babies with this condition. Most of the words after that flew over my head, as one who has not experienced can only imagine, it was a lot to take in. The Dr. compassionately described to us that a portion of our baby's skull and skin were missing and that meant that the brain could not form properly. I can not even begin to understand how a Dr. who had to deliver the unfortunate news to two strangers that their baby was not going to live was feeling, but I am now and will remain grateful for his compassion and kindness in how he chose to deliver the news.
If in that moment in that unfamiliar office I remember one thing, its the first clear thought that ran through my mind after the Dr. had explained several choices we could make. It was right after he informed us that some couples chose to abort their babies. The thought to which I am referring to seemed to come from out of nowhere, but it was strong and clear and it did not seem possible in that moment, but it was. "I am going to keep you" I was saying this in my head to my unborn child. This is the path laid out before me and I did not hesitate to decide. I told God "Ok, this is the path you have laid out before me. I will walk it."
I can say I do not know where this courage came from in that moment, but that would not be the truth. I know it came from Him. I felt God in that moment more than I had in my life. Granted some may call it shock and that is fine with me. I can say I know how I felt in that moment and He was there. He always is and will be.
We asked a couple of "what if" questions and the Dr. answered with great patience and in the best way possible. He explained that most did not live long after birth if they survived labor. Most passed away in utero and were stillborn. He was gracious though, not once trying to push us one way or the other on what decision should be made.
We said our goodbyes and left his office. We were already teary eyed, but as we drove off we started to really cry, and then we started to call everyone. My mom and dad took the news the same way that Jim and I did which I appreciated. Thank God for them!
I called work and let my coworker Pam know and asked if she could deliver the news to everyone at work for me. I did not even think how hard that must have been for her. She told me how sorry she was. Her words meant so much to me. I was glad that she did not cry because that would have set me off again.
Shortly after this phone call my boss Sheila called me with a very positive story which I appreciated very much. She has truly been a blessing in my life.
Earlier that day we had received news that my husband's cousin was in a coma and they did not know the reason or even if he would survive. So needless to say, we were not looking forward to making the phone call to my in-laws. I asked my husband to deliver the news to his mother. I knew she would cry and I could not handle her tears at that moment for I knew I would crumble. I did call my sister in law Sarah. Her exact words "what a s****y day" as she cried for us and said she was so sorry. I got off the phone with her rather quickly because her tears were too much for me to handle at that point.
Calling Alanna was hard, she cried with me which meant a lot. I get choked up just thining of my conversation with her. We did start off our phone calls with the good news first "were having a girl!" followed by "but she most likely won't live long after birth if she makes it to her due date."
I told Jim I just wanted to be with the kids. I just needed to be around them, I knew that for sure, so we picked up the new Tinkerbell movie and went home to spend time with them. We were home with the movie playing when the doorbell rang. I can't recall for sure, but I believe Jim opened the door, but then I recall myself opening the door. Either way it turned out to be Lynsey and Pam, my coworkers and dear friends. They had the pizza and sodas I mentioned in an earlier post. This simple gesture meant so much to us. At this point we had not yet told the kids so not much was said because we were in their presence.
I was off the rest of the week by chance and Jim's work gave him time off to be with me so we spent them in a daze. Jim's parents told us they could drive down to see us and I took them up on their offer. We spent most of the day in silence and when we talked it was about everyday life topics. There was a moment of disccussion about the choice we had to make and that they would support us either way, no matter what we decided. Jim and I had both already decided internally we would not be choosing abortion. We do feel this is a personal choice, one that we wish no parent, let alone anyone would have to make for their loved one. Its a difficult choice and a personal one that can only be made according to each person and should not be judged. For us, abortion was not right for us. At first I was under the impression that they both wanted us to choose abortion, but that was the day after and my rationale was not quite what it should be. Now looking back I realize that they were just trying to show us their support.
Its a difficult situation to have been faced with and still can be. Instead of remembering this just as the day we were told our daughter was going to die, I also and more importantly would like to remember that this was the day we found out we were having another girl! A year marks the day that we found out we were having a second daughter! A year ago today we got to see Lilly up close and personal, and alive! in the womb. We were told the four chambers of her heart were perfect, along with her spine. A year ago marks a time when we were surrounded by such compassion and love that is very hard to find in the world now a days and I am still amazed and overwhelmed by it all.
A couple months after receiving the news, I went out and bought Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD "Beauty Will Rise" which was inspired and written due to his losing a daughter of his own. This is one of my favorites. It describes how I felt then, and still feel today.
Faithful by Steven Curtis Chapman
I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.
You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.
I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.
God You are faithful.
I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.
You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.
So faithful...
Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...
You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...
When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...
...You're faithful...
I will always be grateful to our ultrasound technician as she was very good to us. She described every detail of her little body, and in giving us the most exciting news that we were having our 2nd little girl! I secretly have always wanted two girls and two boys, that being said I would have been happy either way. I had a strong feeling she would be a girl. Our ultrasound tech was also good to us in that she told us that there was indeed an issue that the Dr. would discuss with us, but her tone was calm and unalarming. She gave us no indication as to the severity of the "issue" and it never occured to us to ask. In hindsight, we both remember the way Lilly's profile looked and that there was something off and how the ultrasound tech kept going back to her head over and over again. We never saw the round profile we were used to seeing. It was almost like our not noticing was protecting us, allowing us to linger in our blissful ignorant happiness for just a little while longer. Because not long after, the world we knew was about to be changed forever.
We were lead back to the waiting room and instructed that that Dr. would call us back in a few moments. We were scared of the unknown, of what was to come but felt we could handle whatever came our way, as long as the news was not fatal we would be OK. We knew after we got the call about my bloodwork that we were willing to handle anything. Anything but what happened next.
The Dr. called us and brought us back into his office. I vaguely remember most of what was said but the words "anencephaly" and "incompatible with life" seem to stick out the most in my memory. I have come to learn the words "incompatible with life" seem to be the most common words used to give the news to parents of babies with this condition. Most of the words after that flew over my head, as one who has not experienced can only imagine, it was a lot to take in. The Dr. compassionately described to us that a portion of our baby's skull and skin were missing and that meant that the brain could not form properly. I can not even begin to understand how a Dr. who had to deliver the unfortunate news to two strangers that their baby was not going to live was feeling, but I am now and will remain grateful for his compassion and kindness in how he chose to deliver the news.
If in that moment in that unfamiliar office I remember one thing, its the first clear thought that ran through my mind after the Dr. had explained several choices we could make. It was right after he informed us that some couples chose to abort their babies. The thought to which I am referring to seemed to come from out of nowhere, but it was strong and clear and it did not seem possible in that moment, but it was. "I am going to keep you" I was saying this in my head to my unborn child. This is the path laid out before me and I did not hesitate to decide. I told God "Ok, this is the path you have laid out before me. I will walk it."
I can say I do not know where this courage came from in that moment, but that would not be the truth. I know it came from Him. I felt God in that moment more than I had in my life. Granted some may call it shock and that is fine with me. I can say I know how I felt in that moment and He was there. He always is and will be.
We asked a couple of "what if" questions and the Dr. answered with great patience and in the best way possible. He explained that most did not live long after birth if they survived labor. Most passed away in utero and were stillborn. He was gracious though, not once trying to push us one way or the other on what decision should be made.
We said our goodbyes and left his office. We were already teary eyed, but as we drove off we started to really cry, and then we started to call everyone. My mom and dad took the news the same way that Jim and I did which I appreciated. Thank God for them!
I called work and let my coworker Pam know and asked if she could deliver the news to everyone at work for me. I did not even think how hard that must have been for her. She told me how sorry she was. Her words meant so much to me. I was glad that she did not cry because that would have set me off again.
Shortly after this phone call my boss Sheila called me with a very positive story which I appreciated very much. She has truly been a blessing in my life.
Earlier that day we had received news that my husband's cousin was in a coma and they did not know the reason or even if he would survive. So needless to say, we were not looking forward to making the phone call to my in-laws. I asked my husband to deliver the news to his mother. I knew she would cry and I could not handle her tears at that moment for I knew I would crumble. I did call my sister in law Sarah. Her exact words "what a s****y day" as she cried for us and said she was so sorry. I got off the phone with her rather quickly because her tears were too much for me to handle at that point.
Calling Alanna was hard, she cried with me which meant a lot. I get choked up just thining of my conversation with her. We did start off our phone calls with the good news first "were having a girl!" followed by "but she most likely won't live long after birth if she makes it to her due date."
I told Jim I just wanted to be with the kids. I just needed to be around them, I knew that for sure, so we picked up the new Tinkerbell movie and went home to spend time with them. We were home with the movie playing when the doorbell rang. I can't recall for sure, but I believe Jim opened the door, but then I recall myself opening the door. Either way it turned out to be Lynsey and Pam, my coworkers and dear friends. They had the pizza and sodas I mentioned in an earlier post. This simple gesture meant so much to us. At this point we had not yet told the kids so not much was said because we were in their presence.
I was off the rest of the week by chance and Jim's work gave him time off to be with me so we spent them in a daze. Jim's parents told us they could drive down to see us and I took them up on their offer. We spent most of the day in silence and when we talked it was about everyday life topics. There was a moment of disccussion about the choice we had to make and that they would support us either way, no matter what we decided. Jim and I had both already decided internally we would not be choosing abortion. We do feel this is a personal choice, one that we wish no parent, let alone anyone would have to make for their loved one. Its a difficult choice and a personal one that can only be made according to each person and should not be judged. For us, abortion was not right for us. At first I was under the impression that they both wanted us to choose abortion, but that was the day after and my rationale was not quite what it should be. Now looking back I realize that they were just trying to show us their support.
Its a difficult situation to have been faced with and still can be. Instead of remembering this just as the day we were told our daughter was going to die, I also and more importantly would like to remember that this was the day we found out we were having another girl! A year marks the day that we found out we were having a second daughter! A year ago today we got to see Lilly up close and personal, and alive! in the womb. We were told the four chambers of her heart were perfect, along with her spine. A year ago marks a time when we were surrounded by such compassion and love that is very hard to find in the world now a days and I am still amazed and overwhelmed by it all.
A couple months after receiving the news, I went out and bought Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD "Beauty Will Rise" which was inspired and written due to his losing a daughter of his own. This is one of my favorites. It describes how I felt then, and still feel today.
Faithful by Steven Curtis Chapman
I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.
You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.
I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.
God You are faithful.
I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.
You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.
So faithful...
Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...
You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...
When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...
...You're faithful...
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Grieving vs Obsession and some ramblings
I believe some people misconstrue my grieving as obsession. If they want to define my thinking about all my children (living and deceased) every day as obsession, then I am guilty as charged. Do I talk about my grief, absolutely, but I think people fail to notice I also talk about my life and my living children's accomplishments as well as milestone moments. This blog was specifically started in Lilly's name and I find it has been therapeutic in a way, my main topic of discussion will be my journey and growth through learning to live my life without one of my children. It is also a way for me to keep my daughter's memory alive.
I talk about all four of my children daily and just as much. With my living children, there are new occurrences and milestones everyday. As they grow there will be more stories. My grief and joy are intertwined with how Lilly's story will grow and change. There are days where something occurs where I feel she is right there with me, and I talk about those occurrences with those who are willing to listen.
I understand that not everyone wants to talk about a "dead baby" or about death for that matter. To me when a person dies, we celebrate their life, however long or short it may have been. No one's life is any less important regardless of how little or how long they have lived. Every life matters, every life is important.
As a parent before loss I thought about my children everyday, all the time. Nothing has changed, I think about all my children all the time. To me EACH one of my children is as important as the other. I love them all equally. They are all different and have different personalities and I love them for that among MILLIONS of other reasons. So again, if all this is considered obsession then I am guilty as charged. I do know that this type of grief can become overwhelming just as any emotion can, but it is a very different kind of overwhelming emotion. And it is an emotion that I have just recently come into contact with so again I am still learning how to live with this. I have no choice, this is my cross to bear and I am willing to bear it proudly but it can be difficult at times. I think we as humans are very resilient and I believe that the Almighty has been helping me along the way, because I truly do not know how else I could do this. I would be lost without Him.
I talk about all four of my children daily and just as much. With my living children, there are new occurrences and milestones everyday. As they grow there will be more stories. My grief and joy are intertwined with how Lilly's story will grow and change. There are days where something occurs where I feel she is right there with me, and I talk about those occurrences with those who are willing to listen.
I understand that not everyone wants to talk about a "dead baby" or about death for that matter. To me when a person dies, we celebrate their life, however long or short it may have been. No one's life is any less important regardless of how little or how long they have lived. Every life matters, every life is important.
As a parent before loss I thought about my children everyday, all the time. Nothing has changed, I think about all my children all the time. To me EACH one of my children is as important as the other. I love them all equally. They are all different and have different personalities and I love them for that among MILLIONS of other reasons. So again, if all this is considered obsession then I am guilty as charged. I do know that this type of grief can become overwhelming just as any emotion can, but it is a very different kind of overwhelming emotion. And it is an emotion that I have just recently come into contact with so again I am still learning how to live with this. I have no choice, this is my cross to bear and I am willing to bear it proudly but it can be difficult at times. I think we as humans are very resilient and I believe that the Almighty has been helping me along the way, because I truly do not know how else I could do this. I would be lost without Him.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Here I Am
"Here I Am"
This is a crazy world
These can be lonely times
It's hard to know who's on your side
Most of the time
Who can you really trust
Who do you really know
Is there anybody out there
Who can make you feel less alone
Some times you just can't make it on your own
If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend
When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, hmmm
If you have broken dreams
Just lay them all on me
I'll be the one who understands
So take my hand
If you reach emptyness
You know I'll do my best
To fill you up with all the love
That I can show someone
I promise you you'll never walk alone
Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend
When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, oooo
Everybody needs somebody who
keep a heart and soul in two
Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend
When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, Here I am
I wanted to write about something that has been weighing on my heart for the past four weeks. I have found that grieving can feel like a very lonely road at times, and when you feel abandoned and alone on top of missing a piece of yourself the pain can become overwhelming during those times.
Don't get me wrong, there have been people who have come into my life to counter my feeling abandoned. I of course always feel thought of with my fellow baby loss mothers, for I know they unfortunately understand this lonely and painful part of grieving. There have also been those constants since the beginning who check in on me from time to time, just letting me know they have not forgotten Lilly or my family.
I find it nice when someone close to me can accept the new me. I am not the same "me" that I once was, I can not be. I can not expect myself to lose a child and remain unchanged. The part of me which is feeling abandoned has been in regards to my feeling that others close to me are finding it hard to accept the new me, the me that is now and forever a part of as Angie Smith put it "the sacred dance of Grief and Joy".
I have the song to Leona Lewis' Here I am playing in the background as well as the lyrics posted in this blog entry. These words have been really close to my heart and I feel the words in this song describe best what I am needing from a friend out there.
There is one person in my life who has stuck out lately that has comforted me in my feeling abandoned (as far as friends go) and that person is my SIL Sarah. Though she has not always said the right thing, she has listened to me and I feel she has heard all that I have said and all that I have told her I needed and has adapted. In other words, she has grown and changed with me. Just as I must adapt to this new world with my new view, she has adapted to my clumsiness in finding my place again. The world I live in has remained unchanged in other's eyes, but not in my own.
Have Sarah and I had our ups and downs, absolutely! Will we have plenty more, definitely! I have been hurt unintentionally on her part numerous times since Lilly passed away. The reason I feel we have survived is because she allows me to be oversensitive to things and does not attack me even though she is hurt by not saying the right thing or not knowing what she can do for me. She has truly followed my lead. She really expects me not to be anything but oversensitive and has stated in her own words "How can she not". She and I seem to have a mutual compassion for one another as far as when she hurts me whether unintentional majority of the time or not she apologizes, and I apologize to her for my reactions due to my being oversensitive. She understands that sometimes I just can not help my over sensitive heart and understands that this is pain, beyond what she can ever imagine.
She understands that when I say someone has hurt me unintentionally it means that I know their heart and intentions are in the right place but that I need to express the hurt I feel because honestly, I only have room right now in my heart for only one kind of hurt as I am still in the beginner's session of my dance with grief and joy
Sarah allows me room to step on her feet as I learn these very unfamiliar and sometimes uncomfortable steps. Its what I feel I as a new dancer need in order to regain my bearings in this world. She understands that I am not always going to be graceful, sane, or even rational at times. Tell me when is anyone ever 100% rational? I am human, I am going to stumble and fall. Losing a child is not some everyday event "trial" or "tribulation" its not comparable to "hormones" (although those do not help either :P) or even a "bad day"
I know stressful, I know busy, and tired, I know "bad days". I know all the "normal" everyday human emotions as I have experienced all those just as anyone else has. I have been pregnant and worked and been tired and stressed. I feel like sometimes people want me to make excuses for them which is fine of course we all have our moments, but then when its my turn its "too much" or they don't know how to respond to that. I don't know how to respond to what I am dealing with sometimes, thus the term overwhelming.
The thing is, I am not trying to get anyone to feel as I do, nor do I expect anyone to understand what I am experiencing while learning my new dance in life, its not for them to do so. I am merely asking for patience and compassion, which I understand is a LOT to ask of someone who has their own lives, and own trials and tribulations and bad days to deal with. If I hurt you I will of course apologize as that is not my intention, but it does not feel good when it is not reciprocated. I simply ask if you can not give me what I ask, if it is too much to ask, then please get out of my way. As harsh as that is, I am in no way trying to hurt you. Just merely stating that if my stepping on your toes as a grieving mother is too much for you, I truly understand. The emotion of joy and grief is as I said at times overwhelming for myself to feel so believe me when I say I understand. At the same time, please understand when I step on your toes by being too oversensitive to what you say you are tripping me during my dance when you say that it is too much for you. I am also not asking you to dance along with me, just allow me the space to learn my new dance. For I have to make my dance routine up as I go, and I have to do this on my own, but I am never alone for God is with me even when you can not be there for me.
Please also understand that I am in no way depreciating the value of anyone feeling everyday emotions for I still have those as well. I can be compassionate to those feelings of course. I am merely asking for equal footing and for you to take me as I am. I completely understand if you can not. For though there is grief there is joy so much joy. I have not, nor will I ever forget the joy of holding Lilly those sweet 9 months 6 days, 5 hours, and thirty minutes, as well as the joy in knowing that she is well taken care of. Is it painful to be without her, yes of course, I would be lying if I denied that. But there is so much joy as well. Its two sides of the same coin and I feel one can not exist without the other.
This is a crazy world
These can be lonely times
It's hard to know who's on your side
Most of the time
Who can you really trust
Who do you really know
Is there anybody out there
Who can make you feel less alone
Some times you just can't make it on your own
If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend
When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, hmmm
If you have broken dreams
Just lay them all on me
I'll be the one who understands
So take my hand
If you reach emptyness
You know I'll do my best
To fill you up with all the love
That I can show someone
I promise you you'll never walk alone
Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend
When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, oooo
Everybody needs somebody who
keep a heart and soul in two
Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend
When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, Here I am
I wanted to write about something that has been weighing on my heart for the past four weeks. I have found that grieving can feel like a very lonely road at times, and when you feel abandoned and alone on top of missing a piece of yourself the pain can become overwhelming during those times.
Don't get me wrong, there have been people who have come into my life to counter my feeling abandoned. I of course always feel thought of with my fellow baby loss mothers, for I know they unfortunately understand this lonely and painful part of grieving. There have also been those constants since the beginning who check in on me from time to time, just letting me know they have not forgotten Lilly or my family.
I find it nice when someone close to me can accept the new me. I am not the same "me" that I once was, I can not be. I can not expect myself to lose a child and remain unchanged. The part of me which is feeling abandoned has been in regards to my feeling that others close to me are finding it hard to accept the new me, the me that is now and forever a part of as Angie Smith put it "the sacred dance of Grief and Joy".
I have the song to Leona Lewis' Here I am playing in the background as well as the lyrics posted in this blog entry. These words have been really close to my heart and I feel the words in this song describe best what I am needing from a friend out there.
There is one person in my life who has stuck out lately that has comforted me in my feeling abandoned (as far as friends go) and that person is my SIL Sarah. Though she has not always said the right thing, she has listened to me and I feel she has heard all that I have said and all that I have told her I needed and has adapted. In other words, she has grown and changed with me. Just as I must adapt to this new world with my new view, she has adapted to my clumsiness in finding my place again. The world I live in has remained unchanged in other's eyes, but not in my own.
Have Sarah and I had our ups and downs, absolutely! Will we have plenty more, definitely! I have been hurt unintentionally on her part numerous times since Lilly passed away. The reason I feel we have survived is because she allows me to be oversensitive to things and does not attack me even though she is hurt by not saying the right thing or not knowing what she can do for me. She has truly followed my lead. She really expects me not to be anything but oversensitive and has stated in her own words "How can she not". She and I seem to have a mutual compassion for one another as far as when she hurts me whether unintentional majority of the time or not she apologizes, and I apologize to her for my reactions due to my being oversensitive. She understands that sometimes I just can not help my over sensitive heart and understands that this is pain, beyond what she can ever imagine.
She understands that when I say someone has hurt me unintentionally it means that I know their heart and intentions are in the right place but that I need to express the hurt I feel because honestly, I only have room right now in my heart for only one kind of hurt as I am still in the beginner's session of my dance with grief and joy
Sarah allows me room to step on her feet as I learn these very unfamiliar and sometimes uncomfortable steps. Its what I feel I as a new dancer need in order to regain my bearings in this world. She understands that I am not always going to be graceful, sane, or even rational at times. Tell me when is anyone ever 100% rational? I am human, I am going to stumble and fall. Losing a child is not some everyday event "trial" or "tribulation" its not comparable to "hormones" (although those do not help either :P) or even a "bad day"
I know stressful, I know busy, and tired, I know "bad days". I know all the "normal" everyday human emotions as I have experienced all those just as anyone else has. I have been pregnant and worked and been tired and stressed. I feel like sometimes people want me to make excuses for them which is fine of course we all have our moments, but then when its my turn its "too much" or they don't know how to respond to that. I don't know how to respond to what I am dealing with sometimes, thus the term overwhelming.
The thing is, I am not trying to get anyone to feel as I do, nor do I expect anyone to understand what I am experiencing while learning my new dance in life, its not for them to do so. I am merely asking for patience and compassion, which I understand is a LOT to ask of someone who has their own lives, and own trials and tribulations and bad days to deal with. If I hurt you I will of course apologize as that is not my intention, but it does not feel good when it is not reciprocated. I simply ask if you can not give me what I ask, if it is too much to ask, then please get out of my way. As harsh as that is, I am in no way trying to hurt you. Just merely stating that if my stepping on your toes as a grieving mother is too much for you, I truly understand. The emotion of joy and grief is as I said at times overwhelming for myself to feel so believe me when I say I understand. At the same time, please understand when I step on your toes by being too oversensitive to what you say you are tripping me during my dance when you say that it is too much for you. I am also not asking you to dance along with me, just allow me the space to learn my new dance. For I have to make my dance routine up as I go, and I have to do this on my own, but I am never alone for God is with me even when you can not be there for me.
Please also understand that I am in no way depreciating the value of anyone feeling everyday emotions for I still have those as well. I can be compassionate to those feelings of course. I am merely asking for equal footing and for you to take me as I am. I completely understand if you can not. For though there is grief there is joy so much joy. I have not, nor will I ever forget the joy of holding Lilly those sweet 9 months 6 days, 5 hours, and thirty minutes, as well as the joy in knowing that she is well taken care of. Is it painful to be without her, yes of course, I would be lying if I denied that. But there is so much joy as well. Its two sides of the same coin and I feel one can not exist without the other.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
7 months since her birth
Today marks the seventh month since Lilly's birthday and it has been the hardest yet. It started off with listening to a song in the car that set the waterworks a flowing. I walked into work unable to compose myself. Thank you to those that comforted me today, I really do appreciate it more than you know. Its nice not to have a reaction that makes me feel worse than I already am feeling. Its nice to know that even though to others enough time has passed for them to "move on" for me it has only been seven months and yes emphasis on the "only been" you see time seems to stand still when you are a grieving parent. Every moment, every step at a time is all I can live by these days, and can you blame me? Usually the weeks leading up to the 22nd and the 28th are the most difficult in the month, but I am back to mornings being so hard that I stay up late just to avoid them. Its like being punched in the stomach and when I wake up all the air is sucked out and I'm slowly trying to get it all back in.
My tears today were strong, but they were happy tears. I felt Lilly with me this morning and that is truly a blessing and I love when I feel her close to me. Sometimes I feel she is so far away and the memories of her are somewhat starting to fade and so when I feel her, its just amazing and I savor every moment. There is such an elation when I feel her this close trying to send me messages saying I am still here mommy.
I was reading a fellow blogger Jill's blog today dedicated to her babies Emma and Chase and in her post she was discussing how babies being saved and going home just makes her feel happy and I agreed with her. I think some people have a hard time understanding how I can be happy for those women that get to keep their babies while we lost Lilly.
In only a moment truth
Was seen revealed this mystery
The crown that showed no dignity he wore
And the king was placed for all the world
To show disgrace but only beauty flowed from this place
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
He held the weight of impurity
The father would not see
The reasons had finally come to be to
Show the depth of his grace flowed with
Every sin erased he knew that this was
Why he came
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
And we just don't know the blood and
Water flowed and in it all
He showes just how much he cares
And the veil was torn so we could have
This open door and all these things have
Finally been complete
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands
My tears today were strong, but they were happy tears. I felt Lilly with me this morning and that is truly a blessing and I love when I feel her close to me. Sometimes I feel she is so far away and the memories of her are somewhat starting to fade and so when I feel her, its just amazing and I savor every moment. There is such an elation when I feel her this close trying to send me messages saying I am still here mommy.
I was reading a fellow blogger Jill's blog today dedicated to her babies Emma and Chase and in her post she was discussing how babies being saved and going home just makes her feel happy and I agreed with her. I think some people have a hard time understanding how I can be happy for those women that get to keep their babies while we lost Lilly.
This morning the song I was listening to that gave me the impression that Lilly was sending me a message was that yes this cross to bear is difficult and can be overbearing at times, but I can make it through this. It made me feel I could in some way relate to the pain God felt as they crucified his son, and God knew this would happen though he sent Jesus to us anyway. This song put into perspective that my pain is nothing compared to that of our Lord or that of Jesus as he was nailed and crucified that fateful day. Where Jeremy Camp sings of Jesus' disgrace it hit a chord as far as lots of grieving families feel forced to sweep their emotions under the rug because others can not bear to see them hurting. Like its OUR fault they can not fix this. The people that love and care for us want to help and sometimes get frustrated that they can not they end up unintentionally taking their frustrations out on us. I have told others what I need from them, acceptance. I have accepted that this is my cross to bear, and though painful at times, I bear it proudly. I am not asking anyone to grieve along with me, I would not wish this pain on another living soul, just allow me to do that. Allow me the right to cry for my daughter, allow me the right to be angry at times, bitter, even oversensitive. It is enough sometimes to just do "normal" everyday tasks.
I just feel that when I am "strong" everyone is OK with me, but then when I am emotional others can not bear it, and that does me no good to have others treat me like I am a carrier of the plague. I am not contagious and I am not a sickness. My daughter's death is not a "disease" you can catch.
There is no disgrace in Jesus' cross, the disgrace lies in that the people who crucified him for whatever reasons, out of fear and frustration at how he made them feel as individuals. People "crucify" what they do not understand, that was not Jesus' fault. People act like this is a choice for us, its not.
Please do not get me wrong, I am only saying I feel I can get a glimpse of the pain Our Father felt for Jesus. His pain is infinite compared to my own as He feels for all His children.
This Man lyrics
In only a moment truth
Was seen revealed this mystery
The crown that showed no dignity he wore
And the king was placed for all the world
To show disgrace but only beauty flowed from this place
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
He held the weight of impurity
The father would not see
The reasons had finally come to be to
Show the depth of his grace flowed with
Every sin erased he knew that this was
Why he came
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
And we just don't know the blood and
Water flowed and in it all
He showes just how much he cares
And the veil was torn so we could have
This open door and all these things have
Finally been complete
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands
I would like to end on a happier note after all my venting. I have had a couple friends visit Lilly's grave site and I want to show my undying gratitude and appreciation to Alyson, Iris, Krista, Bobby, and kids for taking the time to stop by and visit and to let us know that you do. My mom also visited when she was last in town and she even bought yellow lilies for her. I can not wait until Jim designs Lilly's marker so that we can have a vase so that I can start to put flower arrangements in. He has not yet started, and that is OK. We still buy her flowers, we just lay them down on her grave until the day we have a vase to put them in.
This post is pretty much all over the place tonight, as my emotions are most of the time, so for those of you who have chosen to read I appreciate that patience.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
She's more than just a "trial" a "tribulation" or a "bad day"
I have had so much to write about, but the thoughts flow through my head and I am not in a position at those times to where I can actually sit and write them all down. I've been irritated, sad, happy, frustrated, guilty, etc, about a lot that relates to grieving. I write down the topics I want to write about, vent about, to get off my chest, but have yet to write or vent about them. I need to make the time to do so because I feel it goes against my nature to not vent.
I guess I can start with one topic that is not necessarily bothering me today, but has been bothering me off and on since finding out Lilly's diagnosis and since she passed away. I may have vented about this in the past, but I feel compelled to now, so that I do not let any animosity build inside of me. Which today its not that's why I feel its fair to vent about this because I am not completely blinded by my animosity. Though my bringing it up may cause me to feel angry again in regards to this topic.
When I am having a good grieving moment I can take this in stride. But when I am in my selfish grieving moment I just do not have the patience, nor the tolerance, for it. And to be honest I don't want to, and selfishly I do not think I should have to. That being said, please keep in mind, I am not trying to trivialize what anyone else is going through. It is when this is said that I just feel like in my darkest moments I am expected to understand and feel better and rise above because others are going through their own trials and tribulations. Are you kidding me? My "trial" and "tribulation" (which by the way I dislike Lilly being referred to in that way) makes other people feel lucky in their lives or feel grateful that they are not me, they are not my kids, my husband, even Lilly.
On my difficult grieving moments, I really do not want to hear "everyone has their own trials and tribulations they are going through, and not everyone thinks or reacts like you do" ok YES I agree people only know what they know and they can not even fathom what this feels like, I get it. Just like I get the world keeps turning. The thing is when I am crying because my daughter is dead, please do not tell me that other people have trials and tribulations in an attempt to help me to understand that we all have things we're dealing with. It really frustrates me that anyone would try to compare the death of MY child to a "bad day". And I have had "trials" and "tribulations" and "bad days" so I have been there and understand what people feel in those moments, this is beyond measure.
I have heard so many times that "we all have trials were going through". Comparing my daughter's death to others "trials" to me is like devaluing the importance of her LIFE. Its just frustrating. I guess people are just trying to make me feel better and in their attempts they are failing in that moment and making me feel worse. I usually just smile and nod when this is said to me. I don't know what else to say, to me I feel it should be expected of me to have "moments' to be sad. It is my right as a mother to grieve the loss of my child, however short lived her life. Again this is just something that has come up on several occasions since losing Lilly. I know that no disrespect is meant at all and I do appreciate the effort. I am frustrated at times by it and I think that is OK. I am not acting on it, just venting about it and understanding that the people who love me are not trying to hurt me by saying the wrong thing, but sometimes the wrong thing is said because really there are no RIGHT words. I accept that this is my life, that I will have my moments, good or difficult, whatever may come I just have to allow it, feel it, and I feel sometimes others have a harder time accepting this is my life and thats where things get said that leave me hurt and frustrated.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Chuck Morley
I wanted to recognize a dear friend today, her name is Cindy. Cindy's husband Chuck recently passed away and today marks one year to the date. I wanted to acknowledge this date because I have come to know and love both Cindy and Chuck. I have been blessed with the chance to get to know Chuck through his wife Cindy. I love hearing all about Chuck and the man he is and I will always remember him for. I know him as a kind and loving man, with a big heart for everyone especially for his wife of 22 years, Cindy. I think of both often and my heart goes out to Cindy on this day as I can only imagine how it is for her. I want her to know that Chuck is not forgotten and he will always have a special place in my heart, thanks to her. There are not enough words to express how deeply my life has been touched by both Chuck and Cindy. I want to thank Cindy for giving me the chance to get to know Chuck, I feel truly honored.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Tonight was an emotional evening. Again coming out of nowhere, but I needed to cry. I wanted to cry. I was singing a song to our middle two children and its a song I have been singing since before our youngest son was born called "You're Gonna Be" by Reba McEntire. It was introduced to me by Alanna (thank you) and it really goes along with when I had our first born son. I was 18 when I got pregnant, very young. I replace the weight of the baby mentioned in the first line with our youngest sons weight every time I sing it. I sing it at bedtime upon request and he requests it as "7lbs 3oz" so I sang it tonight and for some reason the words really hit me hard tonight.
"Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
You just have to believe, things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me, You're Gonna Be"
Life is unfair, I have learned that throughout my experience
Sometimes "bad" is good. Some people refer to losing Lilly as a "tragedy" or a "bad" thing that happened and I just think to them its bad, but to me its good. I can not associate the word "bad" with Lilly. There was so much goodness surrounding her and so much love and no "bad" The "bad" maybe is in it hurts a lot missing her. But I know one day we will be reunited. I can really say that fully believing it tonight. I do believe things work out like they should, as they are meant to. God has a plan and knows the way our lives will unfold before we are even a sparkle of hope in our parents' hearts. "Life has no guarantees" ...it was never guaranteed how much time we were going to get with Lilly and we got so much more than we hoped for but never thought would actually come true. And even before Lilly, there are no guarantees in life, there never were. She will always be loved even though she was never guaranteed to be with us long.
I have been going back and forth through a lot of emotions this past 5/6 month mark. There is so much I need to catch up on here, so that I write it all down. So that I remember and can look back and know where I have been on my journey and where I am when I look back and read through. I feel I have come a long way even in six months. Not too too far, but baby steps is all I can manage sometimes.
I feel Lilly gave us a gift and we can not take that gift for granted again. She gave me the gift of knowledge, and reminded me just how precious life here on earth really is. How much we should cherish each other the good and the bad. Most of all she brought us more love than we could have ever fathomed and could have ever hoped to know.
I feel it in each of the stories I read about other babies who have gone to join Our Lord. It is unfortunate that we have to live our lives without our children, our babies, but they are not in an unfortunate place. I feel that to be so true, and I felt if I had any doubt in that, it has been confirmed through my time with Lilly.
I believe each of our children bless us in different ways. Our oldest daughter had to finish singing "Lilly's Song" (One More Day) because I was all choked up by the end of the second verse. Some nights I get through it and then there are nights like this where I struggle through it and sometimes can not finish it. She asked me "are you about to cry" and then she got up and gave me a hug.
The reason why I wanted to cry was because life often gets so busy that I wonder if I will cry again. Crying makes me feel like I still care about Lilly and I will always care this much. It gives me hope, that I have not "moved on". I am so scared there will be a time where I will not cry for Lilly anymore, so when I cry it makes me feel good that I still do. I want to miss her, because she is that important. With the hustle and bustle of life I feel sometimes my grieving gets lost in it all, but when I cry as I did tonight, I am reminded I still carry it with me and it still affects me that much.
This may sound strange to anyone else who has not gone through this in that they may wonder why I want to cry, why I want to feel this way. I want to mourn my daughter, I feel that is what is best for me. I feel the minute I stop mourning her, I fear I will forget her. She may have only been on this earth for 9 months in my belly and 6 days, 5 hours, and 30 minutes breathing our air, but she will be remembered for a lifetime.
"Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
You just have to believe, things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me, You're Gonna Be"
Life is unfair, I have learned that throughout my experience
Sometimes "bad" is good. Some people refer to losing Lilly as a "tragedy" or a "bad" thing that happened and I just think to them its bad, but to me its good. I can not associate the word "bad" with Lilly. There was so much goodness surrounding her and so much love and no "bad" The "bad" maybe is in it hurts a lot missing her. But I know one day we will be reunited. I can really say that fully believing it tonight. I do believe things work out like they should, as they are meant to. God has a plan and knows the way our lives will unfold before we are even a sparkle of hope in our parents' hearts. "Life has no guarantees" ...it was never guaranteed how much time we were going to get with Lilly and we got so much more than we hoped for but never thought would actually come true. And even before Lilly, there are no guarantees in life, there never were. She will always be loved even though she was never guaranteed to be with us long.
I have been going back and forth through a lot of emotions this past 5/6 month mark. There is so much I need to catch up on here, so that I write it all down. So that I remember and can look back and know where I have been on my journey and where I am when I look back and read through. I feel I have come a long way even in six months. Not too too far, but baby steps is all I can manage sometimes.
I feel Lilly gave us a gift and we can not take that gift for granted again. She gave me the gift of knowledge, and reminded me just how precious life here on earth really is. How much we should cherish each other the good and the bad. Most of all she brought us more love than we could have ever fathomed and could have ever hoped to know.
I feel it in each of the stories I read about other babies who have gone to join Our Lord. It is unfortunate that we have to live our lives without our children, our babies, but they are not in an unfortunate place. I feel that to be so true, and I felt if I had any doubt in that, it has been confirmed through my time with Lilly.
I believe each of our children bless us in different ways. Our oldest daughter had to finish singing "Lilly's Song" (One More Day) because I was all choked up by the end of the second verse. Some nights I get through it and then there are nights like this where I struggle through it and sometimes can not finish it. She asked me "are you about to cry" and then she got up and gave me a hug.
The reason why I wanted to cry was because life often gets so busy that I wonder if I will cry again. Crying makes me feel like I still care about Lilly and I will always care this much. It gives me hope, that I have not "moved on". I am so scared there will be a time where I will not cry for Lilly anymore, so when I cry it makes me feel good that I still do. I want to miss her, because she is that important. With the hustle and bustle of life I feel sometimes my grieving gets lost in it all, but when I cry as I did tonight, I am reminded I still carry it with me and it still affects me that much.
This may sound strange to anyone else who has not gone through this in that they may wonder why I want to cry, why I want to feel this way. I want to mourn my daughter, I feel that is what is best for me. I feel the minute I stop mourning her, I fear I will forget her. She may have only been on this earth for 9 months in my belly and 6 days, 5 hours, and 30 minutes breathing our air, but she will be remembered for a lifetime.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Six Months!!! (1)
Today marks six months since our Lilly was born, the day we got to meet her outside of my belly. Her birthday milestones are not as hard to take as the day she left us, which I anticipate may be a difficult day. The six month mark is my favorite mark for some unexplainable reason. I just couldn't wait to get to the six month marks with my babies. Always was very exciting! This is a different feeling. I feel like I should have cried for her today, and yet I have not.
There was a peace today which I always enjoy when that happens. I feel that is when I am at the most ease and its just so calming and nice to feel this way. Our oldest daughter had a couple moments where she said she missed Lilly but I hugged her and she went on playing. She has a baby doll that she named Lilly and she takes care of her. She does not say that this baby is her sister, she just says that she named her Lilly after her sister which I find precious. She has not named the doll before and has had her for a couple years now. And every time in the past I would ask her what her name was she would just say "baby" which makes me feel like she was just waiting to be named Lilly.
The last couple weeks starting with the 5 month milestone have been such a whirlwind roller coaster of emotions that hit very hard and very fast and most times out of nowhere. Which is why I am enjoying this peace. The peaceful feeling reminds me of when Lilly was here and how there was such calm surrounding her. Even on the day of her funeral there was just such a peace that came over me and it was amazing. I yearn for the feeling of peace but I know I just need to ride the waves to get to the calm.
For now I have that peace and I just relish in it and embrace it, for I know that this could also be the eye of the storm or the uphill climb before the roller coaster starts again. For now, there is peace.
There was a peace today which I always enjoy when that happens. I feel that is when I am at the most ease and its just so calming and nice to feel this way. Our oldest daughter had a couple moments where she said she missed Lilly but I hugged her and she went on playing. She has a baby doll that she named Lilly and she takes care of her. She does not say that this baby is her sister, she just says that she named her Lilly after her sister which I find precious. She has not named the doll before and has had her for a couple years now. And every time in the past I would ask her what her name was she would just say "baby" which makes me feel like she was just waiting to be named Lilly.
The last couple weeks starting with the 5 month milestone have been such a whirlwind roller coaster of emotions that hit very hard and very fast and most times out of nowhere. Which is why I am enjoying this peace. The peaceful feeling reminds me of when Lilly was here and how there was such calm surrounding her. Even on the day of her funeral there was just such a peace that came over me and it was amazing. I yearn for the feeling of peace but I know I just need to ride the waves to get to the calm.
For now I have that peace and I just relish in it and embrace it, for I know that this could also be the eye of the storm or the uphill climb before the roller coaster starts again. For now, there is peace.
Monday, August 16, 2010
5 month mark #2
This is so late I know. This mark was the toughest on the kids and the six month mark is fast approaching and with everything going on I just have not had time to post and I feel I need to. This is my outlet for my emotions and I feel so much better after releasing my emotions in words so its been difficult since I have not been doing this even through my own private journal.
Without going into details the 28th of July was the roughest on the kids. It was very hard on our oldest daughter and it was so difficult to watch as I knew there was nothing I could do to fix this pain.
A lot has happened since then as well, that I will get into later. Its just been such a roller coaster ride and it seems the further away time gets from our time with Lilly, it seems more difficult. I am still functioning in every day life. I think also being busy and not having time to cry gets to me too. I don't remember the last time I had a good hard cry about losing Lilly and I think that is very important to have. I feel it may catch up with me soon.
Its sometimes overwhelming to have all of life's activities and happenings thrown at you and then on top of it I am still grieving. So many emotions and things to keep track of sometimes gets a bit overwhelming. That's when I just need to breathe and pause. It just feels like my day is filled with something at every turn and I hardly have time for myself.
I know it gets like this and then subsides but when its here its here and strong. I have tried to organize things to make it easier but then it just seems like I just can't catch up. I know it will all be OK and I will have that at peace feeling which I love so much, I just have to get through the overwhelming stage right now.
Without going into details the 28th of July was the roughest on the kids. It was very hard on our oldest daughter and it was so difficult to watch as I knew there was nothing I could do to fix this pain.
A lot has happened since then as well, that I will get into later. Its just been such a roller coaster ride and it seems the further away time gets from our time with Lilly, it seems more difficult. I am still functioning in every day life. I think also being busy and not having time to cry gets to me too. I don't remember the last time I had a good hard cry about losing Lilly and I think that is very important to have. I feel it may catch up with me soon.
Its sometimes overwhelming to have all of life's activities and happenings thrown at you and then on top of it I am still grieving. So many emotions and things to keep track of sometimes gets a bit overwhelming. That's when I just need to breathe and pause. It just feels like my day is filled with something at every turn and I hardly have time for myself.
I know it gets like this and then subsides but when its here its here and strong. I have tried to organize things to make it easier but then it just seems like I just can't catch up. I know it will all be OK and I will have that at peace feeling which I love so much, I just have to get through the overwhelming stage right now.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Prayer Request
I copied this from a dear friend Penny's blog. This family is amazing and Melissa's blog for Amelia has truly been inspiring. I feel very blessed to know this family and to know dear sweet Amelia through her mother Melissa. I keep this family very close to my heart.
I am asking that anyone who reads this today will take the time to pray for Melissa and Amelia. Melissa is a friend that I met online and her daugter Amelia has also been diagnosed with anencephlay. Her husband Tim and son Noah also need your prayers. They are schcedeuled for a c-section tomorrow. Please pray that God will surround them with his peace and comfort them. I am also praying that they get to spend lots of time with sweet Amelia. They are an amazing family-and Amelia is an amazing little baby.
I am asking that anyone who reads this today will take the time to pray for Melissa and Amelia. Melissa is a friend that I met online and her daugter Amelia has also been diagnosed with anencephlay. Her husband Tim and son Noah also need your prayers. They are schcedeuled for a c-section tomorrow. Please pray that God will surround them with his peace and comfort them. I am also praying that they get to spend lots of time with sweet Amelia. They are an amazing family-and Amelia is an amazing little baby.
"Lilly is home"
Yesterday we all went to get our haircuts and the lady who was cutting our oldest daughter's hair asked her if she was the only girl and she said "No we have Lilly" no one asked where she was but the fact that she just thinks of Lilly as her sister and still does whether she is here or not just amazes me. It melts my heart :)
Today I went shopping for a baby shower gift. I've been in the baby section so many times (as our youngest son is still in pull ups at night). I have bought baby items during Easter for my soon to be arriving (any day now) nephew, so I have been in the baby aisle quite often since having had Lilly. For some reason today was the first time I was almost overwhelmed with the bittersweetness of it all. There were so many cute items for girls. One thing that helps me get through it is I do have reasons to shop in that section just not for my own baby. Another is those cute things were there before Lilly was born and there will be cute things long after I am gone. Its funny what thoughts we use to help get us through.
There was a onesie that said "born in 2010" and I just had to get it for my friend/coworker. They had it in pink and blue. I checked because Alanna is having a girl :) I love babies and am excited for all babies. I have held a 10 month old baby girl since having lost Lilly and have been around several babies. Yes it is bittersweet in that it is a reminder that my Lilly is not here with me, but at the same time I don't really need reminders as I live with this fact every single second of every single day. And the joy surrounding other babies is a reminder of the joy I felt when Lilly was here in my arms and just the joy in being her mother.
I had to pause in the section of blankets as I just had to breathe and compose myself so I didn't lose it in the middle of the store. Next thing I know my eye scans over a pink blanket with butterflies on the edge. I feel it was Lilly showing me she was with me (just a reminder she had a butterfly on the outfit she was wearing when she passed away and butterflies are very significant in my family as well). I felt that she was telling me to buy Alanna's daughter (my niece) that blanket. I have to go back and get the onesie and the blanket :)
At the checkout line I heard a baby crying in the next aisle and there were actually two of them. Twins! A boy and a girl. I asked the mom how old and she said "5 months" and then I asked when were they born and she said "Feb 22" Lilly's birthday!!! I told her "aw my youngest daughter was born on Feb 22" and she said "what a great day!" and I agreed. It was a great day!!!! One of the five greatest days in my life (one for my wedding day and one for each of my children's birthday)
Our youngest son had asked to visit Lilly today but it did not work out to where we could but we will go tomorrow I told him. He told me "I miss Lilly" words I hear so often and are bittersweet. Sweet in the fact that they remember and love their sister. They have not forgotten her. Bitter in the fact that they miss her and there is nothing I can do to fix that. I can only be there for them and hug them as we often do when they feel this way.
To close the day I had a great conversation with our oldest daughter. She is so young and yet she remembers such details about Lilly. They have been handling this all so well. They get sad like we do, but they also are happy and continue on while missing her at the same time. Without prompting they talk about Lilly and they ask to visit her grave site often. They are so resilient and inspiring. They amaze me everyday!
I will end with the very precious words from our oldest daughter; these words melted my heart and there's just not much more to add. She said "Lilly is home"
Today I went shopping for a baby shower gift. I've been in the baby section so many times (as our youngest son is still in pull ups at night). I have bought baby items during Easter for my soon to be arriving (any day now) nephew, so I have been in the baby aisle quite often since having had Lilly. For some reason today was the first time I was almost overwhelmed with the bittersweetness of it all. There were so many cute items for girls. One thing that helps me get through it is I do have reasons to shop in that section just not for my own baby. Another is those cute things were there before Lilly was born and there will be cute things long after I am gone. Its funny what thoughts we use to help get us through.
There was a onesie that said "born in 2010" and I just had to get it for my friend/coworker. They had it in pink and blue. I checked because Alanna is having a girl :) I love babies and am excited for all babies. I have held a 10 month old baby girl since having lost Lilly and have been around several babies. Yes it is bittersweet in that it is a reminder that my Lilly is not here with me, but at the same time I don't really need reminders as I live with this fact every single second of every single day. And the joy surrounding other babies is a reminder of the joy I felt when Lilly was here in my arms and just the joy in being her mother.
I had to pause in the section of blankets as I just had to breathe and compose myself so I didn't lose it in the middle of the store. Next thing I know my eye scans over a pink blanket with butterflies on the edge. I feel it was Lilly showing me she was with me (just a reminder she had a butterfly on the outfit she was wearing when she passed away and butterflies are very significant in my family as well). I felt that she was telling me to buy Alanna's daughter (my niece) that blanket. I have to go back and get the onesie and the blanket :)
At the checkout line I heard a baby crying in the next aisle and there were actually two of them. Twins! A boy and a girl. I asked the mom how old and she said "5 months" and then I asked when were they born and she said "Feb 22" Lilly's birthday!!! I told her "aw my youngest daughter was born on Feb 22" and she said "what a great day!" and I agreed. It was a great day!!!! One of the five greatest days in my life (one for my wedding day and one for each of my children's birthday)
Our youngest son had asked to visit Lilly today but it did not work out to where we could but we will go tomorrow I told him. He told me "I miss Lilly" words I hear so often and are bittersweet. Sweet in the fact that they remember and love their sister. They have not forgotten her. Bitter in the fact that they miss her and there is nothing I can do to fix that. I can only be there for them and hug them as we often do when they feel this way.
To close the day I had a great conversation with our oldest daughter. She is so young and yet she remembers such details about Lilly. They have been handling this all so well. They get sad like we do, but they also are happy and continue on while missing her at the same time. Without prompting they talk about Lilly and they ask to visit her grave site often. They are so resilient and inspiring. They amaze me everyday!
I will end with the very precious words from our oldest daughter; these words melted my heart and there's just not much more to add. She said "Lilly is home"
Friday, July 23, 2010
Link to Give Away
Hi all, just a quick post with a link to a giveaway I thought you may enjoy :)
Win some awesome Jewelry from Angie at Vivo Bello
Thursday, July 22, 2010
5 month mark #1
So many emotions this week, that I am feeling a bit exhausted bouncing back and forth through all the different emotions one can imagine. Today started off rough and then went up from there. I feel like my posts lately have had a sad tone to them, but I haven't felt sad all the time. I usually vent about these sad and hard emotions here because I feel this is where I will find understanding and never ending support. That no matter how strong my emotions there is no judgment in that I am doing this wrong or that I am not doing well. It is a place where I feel my sadness is welcome as much as my joy and that because I am sad does not mean that is all I am.
Today the thoughts that occurred to me just briefly were she would have been on cereal last month and starting solid jar food by now. I love the road to solid food, picking out which food to start her on first and then anticipating her reaction to the flavor we picked out. I am not down about this, just thinking about how I will miss this milestone, but at the same time rejoicing in the joy that surrounded her when she was here in my belly and then in my arms.
I have been struggling with how I want to know how to be there for my husband, so for those of you who are not sure how to be there for me, I feel you. I am not sure how to be there for him. If there is anything I have learned from those of you who have been there for me who don't know how to be (and yes I have learned from you all) it is that just being there is enough. That is all anyone can do for me, is just be and let me be me and grieve the way that I feel is right for me.
I do want to talk about the negative I was feeling this morning but only briefly. It is hard to hear people tell me that I am strong. I say the Lord gives me strength and I give Him all the credit. But it is hard in that I feel that because people view me as strong that when they see me weep or what in their minds appear to be "weaknesses" then they just get angry at me. Not on purpose and not intentionally. I think people have a hard time seeing me upset and feeling helpless, I understand that. But I do not believe that crying is a weakness or that it means I am less "strong" than you see me. So sometimes it hurts to hear "you are strong" so thank you to Dianne for listening and humoring me when you said "You are not strong" and thank you also to Sherry for listening to me as always and to everyone who has been there to support and help guide me to be a better person.
I love learning and growing and trying to be as good a person as I can be. I am very hard on myself and am really trying to work on that. I just feel validated when other people agree with my criticisms of myself. I get frustrated with myself and I know that I have gotten better at it since having had Lilly, but there are times where I get in my own way. There is so much that I feel I have learned throughout my 29 years and I feel there is so much more to learn.
I would like to end this post with lyrics to a song that I feel is perfect in how I am feeling right now. It is a beautiful song and I always am waiting to hear this on the radio on my way to or from work.
Christian lyrics - BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON
Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?
Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see
Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah
Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning
Today the thoughts that occurred to me just briefly were she would have been on cereal last month and starting solid jar food by now. I love the road to solid food, picking out which food to start her on first and then anticipating her reaction to the flavor we picked out. I am not down about this, just thinking about how I will miss this milestone, but at the same time rejoicing in the joy that surrounded her when she was here in my belly and then in my arms.
I have been struggling with how I want to know how to be there for my husband, so for those of you who are not sure how to be there for me, I feel you. I am not sure how to be there for him. If there is anything I have learned from those of you who have been there for me who don't know how to be (and yes I have learned from you all) it is that just being there is enough. That is all anyone can do for me, is just be and let me be me and grieve the way that I feel is right for me.
I do want to talk about the negative I was feeling this morning but only briefly. It is hard to hear people tell me that I am strong. I say the Lord gives me strength and I give Him all the credit. But it is hard in that I feel that because people view me as strong that when they see me weep or what in their minds appear to be "weaknesses" then they just get angry at me. Not on purpose and not intentionally. I think people have a hard time seeing me upset and feeling helpless, I understand that. But I do not believe that crying is a weakness or that it means I am less "strong" than you see me. So sometimes it hurts to hear "you are strong" so thank you to Dianne for listening and humoring me when you said "You are not strong" and thank you also to Sherry for listening to me as always and to everyone who has been there to support and help guide me to be a better person.
I love learning and growing and trying to be as good a person as I can be. I am very hard on myself and am really trying to work on that. I just feel validated when other people agree with my criticisms of myself. I get frustrated with myself and I know that I have gotten better at it since having had Lilly, but there are times where I get in my own way. There is so much that I feel I have learned throughout my 29 years and I feel there is so much more to learn.
I would like to end this post with lyrics to a song that I feel is perfect in how I am feeling right now. It is a beautiful song and I always am waiting to hear this on the radio on my way to or from work.
Christian lyrics - BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON
Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?
Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see
Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah
Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Danny Gokey, I Will Not Say Goodbye
This song epitomizes how I feel. Thank you Alanna for sending them to me. I took the time to listen to the song and its amazing.
Danny Gokey, I Will Not Say Goodbye Lyrics
Artist: Gokey Danny |
And all that's left to be
Is empty, lonely, broken, hopin'
I'm supposed to be strong
I'm supposed to find a way to carry on
I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye
They keep saying time will heal
But the pain just gets more real
The sun comes up each day
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying
If I can keep on holding on
Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone
Cause I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye
I will curse
I will pray
I'll relive everyday
I will shelter the blame
I'll shout out your name
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say
Will not say goodbye
I will not say goodbye
Will not say ooooohhhhh
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